it's the fanciful dreams that make you a reality

a few bow wow's here and a few woofs over there.

2009-07-15T11:55:00.003-06:00

everyone, i got... a dog.

i am so excited!

his name is lucious, pronounced loo-shus.

his name used to be "alex" though.

you can see why we changed it. :)

he is an australian shepard/ border collie mix and is only a year and a half.

my poppa and i have wanted a new dog for awhile now so we adopted him from the pound.

he is one bad ass canine.

he is completely trained and is so much fun.

he also has a very distinct grin that he displays for everyone to see quite often.

i really think i saved his life from getting him out of that awful place.

he is such a lovable character.

he is really thankful to me and my father.

you can just tell by the big smile on his face.

and guess what?

we are getting another one too.

my father's girlfriend is adopting one as well from the pound.

this one is an eight month old, pure white pit bull.

it is a ball of 100% energy 24/7.

he was my father and i's second choice so we are excited to get him too.

my father's girlfriend is naming him "leche" which is spanish for "milk."

i don't like the name but whatever. :)

if nagging was an olympic sport, me mum would win a gold medal.

2009-07-08T14:33:00.002-06:00

mum is driving me crazy.

no wonder i moved out.

i haven't even been here an hour and she is already nagging me.

shut the fuck up and let me do what i want.

i am only checking on some fav blogs my hell.

photos: alexander wang designs.

slowly but surely i am making an entrance.

2009-07-08T13:58:00.002-06:00

wow, it is so frustrating and sad that i haven't been able to post every day.

i have been living with my poppa the past week and a half.

surprisingly it has been going pretty well.

i get my own room for the first time in my life.

i am finally seeing all the movies i have wanted to see that me mum would never allow me to view.

i can wear whatever the hell i want.

i can do whatever i want too.

well, to an extent obviously.

the only let down:

i am cut off from the world.

i do not have a cell phone so i can not call my friends and i do not own a laptop to blog on.

out of all the let downs, i hate not being able to post the most.

it is like my diary or something.

an online art journal.

until i can get a portable computer of my own, i will only be able to get on here every week or so.

but i will try to as much as possible.

it was a relief to get on here though, let me tell you.i have had nothing around me but a telly and a cat by the name of hannah.

sigh.

2009-06-28T11:18:00.000-06:00

pure vanity.

i hate not breathing.

2009-06-28T11:10:00.003-06:00

hello,
um, i have some bad news.
i will be gone for awhile.
i am not sure how long exactly.
i am going to live with my father for a little bit.
me mum is not well and my family believes it will be better if i left for some time.
it is a terribly long story.
my father does not have a computer but is hoping to get one soon.
i am nervous everyone.
if you have read my earlier posts some time ago, you would remember that me and my father don't really get along.
plus his girlfriend will be there.
please pray to god or however you hope for good things that i can do this.
i believe in myself but can not help but be a little frightened.
i will be able to visit me mum's every now and then to get on the computer, but i am not sure how much.
i will update when i can.
but thank you all so much.
i adore all you lovely people.
wish me luck.

....

2009-06-27T13:15:00.005-06:00

i'll watch you falling from me.

when you hit the ground,

maybe you'll see
the only way to fall is down

i'll be up in the stars but

i'll be anywhere you are

just say you need me and

i'll come down.

we'll never know,

we'll never, ever know

if you just let it go.

if it comes undone,

then tie up your loose ends.

when the colors run,

then all of the shapes blend.

below the innocent surface is quite the most heavenly sin.

2009-06-27T12:39:00.002-06:00

this is incredible.

decorative chocolate covered oreos.

pure genius.

buy them here:

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=25113559

i'll come to life for you as long as you agree to play.

2009-06-27T06:34:00.005-06:00

i have to admit,

even though i have been afraid of dolls my whole life,

i am addicted to these ones.

i don't know why,

but they fasinate me.

i found them on etsy.

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5666013

i wish i looked like a fairy queen when i bathed in my tub.

2009-06-27T05:26:00.001-06:00

more sofia and mauro.

i am really loving these bathtub photos lately.

five in the morning and i slowly chance a look at the sky only to find that there is still so much to hide.

2009-06-27T04:52:00.003-06:00

big surprise!

i can't sleep again.

it is nearly five in the morning.

the sun is going to come up soon.

i can already hear birds outside.

i don't get this, i don't even drink caffeine which is weird because all my friends and family do.

and i don't take naps during the day.

so why the hell am i never sleeping?

this next part might be a little bit of a spoiler but read on if you wish.

i saw the new transformers movie last night.

what a freaking waste of money and time.

it was really horrible.

i know nearly everyone is absolutely loving it.

but i hated it with a passion.

i never laughed when it was meant to be intentional.

i actually laughed when it was meant to be serious.

in fact, i laughed hysterically.

i kind of felt bad for the people around me.

the acting was terrible.

megan fox was a slut, along with that new girl that had that scorpion tail thing coming out of her ass.

shia labeouf was annoying at times.

the special effects weren't nearly as good as the first one.

the humping dogs really got on my nerves, along with those tiny twin cars.

plus, it was really unrealistic.

i mean, i know it was just a movie.

but still, hollywood has to have some boundries as to what can really happen.

there is just know possible way that a huge sun-destroyer could survive inside the pyramid of giza for millions of years and no one even knowing about it.

and the story did not make much sense either.

i left the movie theater with more questions than i had going in.

my friends want to hang out today.

i am rather tempted to just stay home though.

i want to work on some art and i will probably need a nap.

i hope the rest of you are sleeping alright.

such a lonely day, and it's mine.

2009-06-25T17:41:00.002-06:00

today was so long and boring.

i got some more painting done.

and i worked on some other art stuff that i have been wanting to do.

but i was so very, very lonely all day.

i almost felt like i have just wasted away on the computer when i wasn't painting.

summer has been so dull and grey since it has started.

i was supposed to start my summer class but me mum is being very difficult and won't let me.

i need to move out.

and to move out i need money.

and in order to get money i need a job.

but no one is fucking hiring because of the economy.

damn it.

damn, damn, damn.

welcome in the new.

2009-06-24T15:53:00.001-06:00

i changed my blog around.

i hate staying the same for too long.

i love change.

hope you all like it.

man i have been blogging a lot today.

hopefully it isn't too much. ;)

i woke up dreaming... again.

2009-06-24T14:22:00.004-06:00

i told you i was in a dreamy mood.

my latest fashion finds found variously online.

untitled.

2009-06-24T12:13:00.002-06:00

a random outfit i found online.

i just adore it.

i finally found the photographers for the last post.

i felt kind of stupid that i accidentally clicked out of the window before i found the creators of such a beautiful shoot.

their names are sofia sanchez and mauro mongiello.

i bathed in dreams.

2009-06-24T10:44:00.001-06:00

this is so incredibly romantic to me.

i love the colors.

i love the flowers.

i love the shots.

i love everything about them.

anticipation rising.

2009-06-24T10:37:00.003-06:00

these highly reminded me of "alice in wonderland"

but maybe i have just been thinking about the story lately so i am seeing it everywhere.

it really is one of my favorite stories.

it gets your mind wandering and daydreaming.

and we all know that is a big and happy habit of mine. ;)

i took this trip through fields of rain and woods on fire.

2009-06-24T10:10:00.002-06:00

i believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge.that myth is more potent than history.that dreams are more powerful than facts.that hope always triumphs over experience.that laughter is the only cure for grief.i believe that love is stronger than death.

-robert fulghum
.

i am in a very dreamy mood.

almost like that feeling you get at halloween time where you want to pretend.

not in a fake way, but just to see what it is like to be in another dream-like, pretend world.

born free.

2009-06-23T20:34:00.002-06:00

i am ready for a real romantic summer.

untitled.

2009-06-23T17:41:00.000-06:00

a pierced bra.

this made me laugh.

boom boom pow

2009-06-23T15:40:00.003-06:00

i am getting ready to start my summer class tomorrow so i can recieve my diploma.

been looking at editorials all day and have been loving it.

i have set myself a goal of working out every day.

i am going on a roadtrip with my friends in a couple of weeks to a place where there is a lot of hiking and water to swim like fishes in.

i am not in shape.

i mean, i am pretty skinny and all.

no way do i believe that i am fat.

because i am not.

but i am out of shape in the sense that i don't ever work out.

haha it is so hard for me to keep up with my friends who are all very athletic and work out often.

so i would like to work hard on my abs, legs, and arms to get ready to keep up with them all.

i worked so hard yesterday but it felt great.

peace.

summer wishlist.

2009-06-23T15:22:00.001-06:00

this is what i want in my closet this summer.

love it.

velvet, june 09

and as the sun rose and the rain vanished, the colors lit themselves on fire.

2009-06-23T08:14:00.002-06:00

this beautiful sight was captured on june 3 over the northern idaho sky near the washington state border.

good morning beautifuls.

i am going to weed once more today and hopefully i can get it done quickly.

i hope your day will be so lovely and fanciful.
i will post some things later today but i got no time now! :)

not impossible, impassible. tim burton does it again.

2009-06-22T19:20:00.003-06:00

tim burton has released the first photos for his new creation and remake of the famous story of "alice in wonderland."

i am so excited but have no idea how i am going to wait patiently for this film.

it does not come out in theatres until march of 2010.

i am so enthralled to see the masterpiece of the mad hatter played by johnny depp (featured in first photo)

and i am just as excited to see helena bonham carter play the evil red queen (second photo.)

i thought it was interesting that burton had his helpers make her head twice as big as usual.

and finally (in the third picture) there is the white queen, played by anne hathaway.

i have to admit that i am quite hesitant as to what my opinion should be with this casting.

anne hathaway is a pretty good actres in my view, if you do not count the diaries' movies.

but she has never done anything out of the ordinary and well, weird.

i am anxious to see the result.

in the wee small hours of the morning.

2009-06-22T08:07:00.002-06:00

on my way to do some yard work for my sister's in law.
i hate yard work but i get 50 bucks for it so i can't complain.
tired as hell.
i am going to start excercising more.
got to get in shape for next month.
what's next month?
a roadtrip with my friends to jackson hole, wyoming.
hope you all slept well.
keep daydreaming.

it is okay to be a little altruistic sometimes.

2009-06-20T13:09:00.004-06:00

just got back from chelsey's about an hour and a half ago.
the guys came over to her house last night too.
we watched the 1979 version of the changling and ate pizza and popcorn.
it was 1 in the morning and we tried playing football outside but seeing as it was near impossible to see because it so dark (you couldn't even see the stars behind the clouds) we had to stop playing.
i threw the ball at perlita at one point and she couldn't see where in the air it was so it slammed into her face and bent her glasses.
i felt so bad but on the other hand we all thought it was hilarious.
but that was when we quit throwing it around.
we played a bunch of little kid's night games until around three and then the boys left.
us girls stayed up the rest of the night and into the morning until we finally fell asleep at 7 in the morning.
well, perlita ended up passing out by like 3:30-4 but me and chelsey were having a riot all night.
we snuck out at 5 to scare our friend merissa at her house early in the morning.
we tapped on her window like crazy.
it gave her quite a scare.
although me and chelsey could not stop laughing so she knew it was us.
i haven't laughed so hard in my life.
and i really needed that.
i just needed to forget about the world and its problems for one night and just enjoy friends and the simple things that really mattered.
i am so exhausted though.
but you can't blame me right?
tonight i am going to go pick chelsey up and we are headed to jake's for a bonfire.
it is raining so fucking hard though so i hope it lets up.
.
and guess what??????????????
i am sorry but i have to tell you, i am so excited.
before highschool ended, my art teacher had informed me that i qualified for the majoring medal in art for the whole school.
i put in an application for it but later found out from the principal that i would probably not be able to recieve it since i was not graduating with the rest of my class.
i was really depressed of course when i heard this.
but today, in the mail, in a big yellow envelope, was my medal and a certificate.
they allowed me to be given the art major medal even though i am not graduating til july.
i nearly started to cry.
you don't know how much work and stuff you have to do to qualify for this honor.
i feel so happy about it.
.
sorry, i just had to tell you all that. :)

untitled.

2009-06-19T13:58:00.002-06:00

just trying to figure life out.

going to hang with chelsey and the gang since she is visting.

going to get a frapaccino.

.... just trying to figure life out.

situations seem to get affectuous charm through distant flashes of light.

2009-06-18T11:47:00.004-06:00

so as i said before in the previous post, i went and hung out with derick and that other guy.
i was going to drive myself seeing as i rather do things myself but derick told me that other guy wanted to pick me up in his new car.
he got a brand new mazda 3 or whatever you call it and he wanted to drive it.
so i expressed an "okay" and within a couple of minutes the guy was in my driveway.
it wasn't as awkward as i had thought it would be.
but probably because i talked and talked all the way to derick's house and wouldn't let the guy talk.
i really didn't want him to.
how awful do i seem?
when we got to derick's, everything was just fine.
we watched the new movie "fired up".
it had some funny moments but was, in the end, not my kind of movie.
it was a too small-minded feature.
but derick loved it and wanted to watch it again so the other guy and i agreed.
it really was quite fun.
when it first started, derick i were trying to decide where to sit.
derick has two couches and the other guy had sat on the very end of one of them.
i did not want to sit on the complete other couch because then it would have seemed like i was separating myself from the two guys.
so i sat on the opposite end of the same couch that the other guy had.
i really believed that derick would take up the whole other couch to himself, but he didn't.
he came and sat right between the other guy and me.
i let out a sigh of relief.
i really did not want the other guy even tempted to scoot closer.
after the movie, derick got out his new touch screen/camera phone.
i asked to take some pictures but he teasingly replyed, "no way."
eventually i got it through a little bit of innocent wrestling.
he kept trying to get it back but to no avail.
i figured out how to work the camera and then started taking and looking at his pictures.
it was strange because derick made a point of him not wanting me to see the last picture.
"you can see the rest just not the last one."
i said, "it's probably of you and your girlfriend."
i laughed and scrolled down to the last picture.
sure enough, it was him and my best friend kissing.
i laughed because he seemed so embarrassed and weirdly enough, ashamed.
i said, "what's wrong, it's just kissing. you shouldn't be ashamed of kissing unless it is with the wrong person...."
he looked at me and replyed, "yeah... i know..."
i laughed and gave him back his phone.
he always seems to have a problem showing affection and love to my best friend in front of me.
i never see them kissing or even holding each other.
and he freaks out when i see a picture of them kissing.
they aren't even together anymore.
they broke it off when she moved away.
i do not know exactly how to look at all of this.
but i don't feel like i should look too much into it.
i think i should just let things fall where they need to and not try to make things happen that shouldn't.

breathing in the same sequence is hard enough when you are drowning.

2009-06-17T14:59:00.002-06:00

i called my friend derick today.
we had a very lovely conversation.
we decided to get together today in about an hour.
unfortunately, another guy might come.
don't get me wrong, i do not mind anyone being there.
but this guy that might show up likes me more than i would prefer.
he has really started to take an interest in me.
i have known him for years and have always enjoyed his friendship.
but no more than that.
my friend perla told me to give him a chance.
but i already have enough trouble trusting men and i have never felt completely comfortable with him.
how can i be with someone or even give them a chance when i do not feel normal in his presence?
then again, perlita is a people pleaser and would give anyone a chance if she thought they were attractive in the slightest way.
i just do not know exactly how to act around him.
i do not wish to lead him on but i do not want to be rude in any way either.
i really like him as a friend.
i just am not a big fan of being alone with him or even thinking about being with him.
do i come off as mean thinking this way?
i, i really don't mean to sound like a jerk...
i am just the kind of girl that doesn't give her love to just anyone.
i am picky.
to tell you the truth though, i could see myself with derick.
i have never really thought about it before but now that i do, i really could see myself with him.
he is just so chill and knows how to just sit and listen.
he is never over the top and is mature.
problem with him though, is that he is one of my best friends' ex boyfriend.
um, yeah.
you can see the issue there.
although, i seriously don't know any guy that has not at least been on one date with her.
i don't know.
i have never been the type of girl to steal a guy or purposely make someone feel bad.
i suppose we will see what happens though.
.
keep daydreaming. :)

untitled.

2009-06-16T13:55:00.001-06:00

and here we go again with all the things i said and did.

2009-06-16T10:25:00.003-06:00

today is me mum's birthday.

she is 47 and i have no idea what i am going to do for her.

i am broke so i can't afford "the finer things in life" and i can not cook worth shit.

i was thinking about maybe drawing her a picture but i am not exactly sure what to draw for her.

i will think about it.

i got all day afterall.

my friend curtis has been having some issues lately.

he asked to come over last night to talk about it.

it's funny but i am the one out of all my friends that everyone comes to with their problems.

they say i listen really well and give great advice.

as great a compliment as that is, i still get so exhausted sometimes because i am the only one that really listens.

my friends will go on and on for hours with their lives and ask me for loads of advice.

i am so willing to help out, but when i need to talk, they are all of the sudden busy with something else.

they are great friends, but horrible listeners.

my family is the same way.

i seriously feel as if i have no one of my own to turn to when i need help.

anyways, i let him come over.

he said he would only stay for a couple of minutes to show me his new motorcycle.

he ended up staying five hours.

no joke, five hours talking about his problems.

i was so happy i could help; he told me that he can't talk about his problems with anyone else.

and that i was the only one that gave advice that makes any sense.

that meant so much to me to hear.

no one ever tells me that they appreciate my help really.

i mean, they will say thank you but they never really explain to me how much i have helped.

so when curtis expressed that to me i felt so, well, loved.

i felt a little bit of worth inside of me.

even though i was completely and utterly exhausted from helping him for five hours, i still enjoyed his company.

i hope that my advice really helped.

keep daydreaming to escape this life.

it's a small world.

2009-06-15T16:00:00.003-06:00

this is actually quite a hilarious situation.

a fellow blogger and sweet gal, jantine and i both discovered that our mums have the same birthday tomorrow.

not only that, but mums are turning 47.

visit her blog, it is so adorable.
http://pick-a-flower.blogspot.com/

i swear i didn't get in a fight, it is just the fashion.

2009-06-15T13:21:00.001-06:00

i love this,

pictures found on nylonmag.com

with red gloves, it has to be on.

2009-06-15T11:41:00.003-06:00

okay, this is the weirdest editorial i think i have ever seen.
not because of what they are doing or anything, but because of who is in it:
bruce willis and his new wife emma.
i always thought bruce could not act, but i always thought him as a charming man.
but i never in a million years thought i wuold see him doing something like this.
it is just so strange.
the guy has kids.
i don't think i would ever want my kids seeing my new step mother half naked, even if her body is rockin.
and i never pictured a honeymoon like this. haha
but, i have to admit, i am in love with these pictures.

it was for a W magazine photoshoot called "honeymoon hotel."

this one is my favorite.

photos and story:

http://www.wmagazine.com/celebrities/2009/07/bruce_emma_willis

think of me.

2009-06-14T07:25:00.002-06:00

you know what i miss most about being a child?
i miss childhood sweethearts.
did you ever have one of those?
i had one and i miss him terribly.
it is funny thinking about it now.
he hasn't even crossed my mind in the last four or five years.
and out of all the guys i have ever known, i miss and loved him the most.
he was so sweet and such a gentleman for someone so young. haha
i really believe that if things had been able to work out, that we would be together today.
it sounds so silly and naive, i know, but it was such an innocent situation.
i never even got to say goodbye to him.
me mum refrained me from ever speaking to him again.
she hated his mother because his mother was friends with my dad.
me mum did not want me to have anything to do with my father's friends.
so because of me mum's habit of holding grudges, i was kept away from the boy along with his family in which the friendship was very strong.
the past couple of days i have been wondering how he is.
sometimes i wonder if he ever thought about me too.
.
picture by me.

you taste like strawberry weed.

2009-06-13T12:31:00.003-06:00

sometimes i wonder that if birds can fly anywhere, why do they always choose to land on powerlines?

if i were a bird, i would fly the whole world over, exploring everything.

it is the weekend and i have nothing to do.

i thought about drawing or writing but i cannot bring myself to do it.

my friend chelsey has moved away to wyoming.

that state is the most boring, lifeless place in the country, besides idaho.

there is nothing there but brush.

i suppose yellowstone is worth it, but that is only a small part up in the corner of the state.

but i will miss her.

we had some good times.

we've known each other since third grade.

quite a long time.

listening to strawberry weed by caesars, someday by the strokes, come on closer by jem, keep your head by the ting tings, and dirty laundry by bittersweet.

untitled.

2009-06-13T11:43:00.001-06:00

i just need to cry. let the tears fall and then i die.

2009-06-12T10:36:00.003-06:00

my friend chelsey came over and took some pictures of me.

then i edited them on my computer.

how pitiful is this picture:

getting grounded and spending the whole day playing a video game because you aren't aloud to do anything else.

being grounded at eighteen is depressing. sigh.

and not only that, but i don't even play video games.

just goes to tell you how desperate i was to find something that would keep me occupied til the day was done.

and let me tell you, the day went by so fast when i was killing people with a controller.

is this what most boys and some girls live like?

playing video games like halo, wowc, ect. until their whole lives are gone and flashing before their eyes?

this is the climax of their lives where they can make something of themselves, and they are all off missing it because of a fucking video game.

my generation is falling prey to the digital world.

people, get a life.

either got it, or you don't.

2009-06-09T17:49:00.004-06:00

been painting today.

just experimenting with different mediums.

i applied for a bunch of jobs yesterday and hopefully i will get one.

it is funny but i kind of want to work at a restaurant.

out of all the places i applied, the restaurants seemed the most fun.

i don't know though.

we will see.

i hate self-centered people.

they irritate me to no end.

having chelsey over for the night then going to aaron's to watch a scary movie.

i think i might make her watch waking ned devine later.

great movie.

picture: me

keep daydreaming. :)

waterfall canyon.

2009-06-08T17:48:00.005-06:00

here are some pictures from saturday.

my hell we were all so tired by the end of it, as you can see.

aaron is on the left and jacob is on the right. yeah he is the one that nearly broke my knee. :)

this was after the hike, dinner, and swimming. we were so freaking exhausted.

me and one of my best pals, chelsey.

chelsey and i again.

chelsey, perlita, merissa, and i on the hike.

perlita, theo, me playing a game with everyone. i look like hell.

i fell asleep on aaron's basement floor because i was so tired.

haha we had just watched "the ring." then jake was like, "look, alex looks like samara."

derick sleeping, obviously. that is really all he does: sleep all day, play video games all night with people around the world.

perlita, me, and chelsey after swimming.

me and chelsey.

jake, perlita, theo, aaron, and derick.

hiking back down the mountain.

my favorite asians ever. :)

me and my best friend jake.

my house is down there somewhere.

as the water fell before us.

2009-06-07T16:33:00.003-06:00

oh dear, it has a been a wild weekend so far.

yesterday i went with my friends on a long and difficult hike into the unitah mountains near where i live.

it took us around three hours to figure our way to the waterfall which was our destination.

it was so tiring because i was the only one out of my seven friends who was not in shape.

they all pretty much wanted to run up the mountain while i was huffing and puffing to keep up.

but i give myself credit because i did it.

after the hike we all went swimming at a local pool to cool ourselves down while soaking it up in a hot tub to keep our muscles relaxed.

when we had relaxed for a bit we decided to play "keep away" with a football one of the guys had brought.

it was the four guys against the four girls.

one of my best friends jake was getting really competitive and pretty much attacked me when i had the football.

he wrapped his legs around mine and flipped me upside down in the water in order to get the ball from me.

and let me tell you, it worked.

he got the ball and left me with a sprained knee.

haha he had no idea he had hurt me or i know he would have helped me.

now i hate asking people for help so i just pretended i wasn't hurt.

i hung out with my friends for eight more hours trying not to limp much.

it was midnight when i could not take it anymore so i went home.

i slept in until 2:30 in the afternoon today because i was so tired and aching.

but, despite the hurtful workouts i endured all day yesterday, i had so much fun. haha

i really did.

me and my friend chelsey took most of our clothes off and dunked ourselves in the waterfall which felt like ten degrees.

we were laughing so hard and all the guys and other two girls were taking so many pictures and laughing at us.

well, that is really all i have energy for at the moment. haha

have a great day. :)

andy warhol's muse.

2009-06-05T19:35:00.002-06:00

can i just say that i love factory girl?

i want to marry sienna miller.

she is so beautiful.

this movie is down right hott.
i am watching it right now.

sigh. :)

we're at a stand still.

2009-06-05T13:49:00.001-06:00

my latest fashion finds.

alexander wang.

i love him. :)

between the lines i saw the light but unfortunately it decided to hide from me.

2009-06-05T10:53:00.003-06:00

i am exhausted.

can i just say that i hate sleepovers?

i mean, i think i am too old for them now.

i know some may say, "i will never be too old for that kind of stuff. i love being a kid"

but i am not like that.

even when i was around eight years old, i remember wishing i was older.

i was never a big fan of being a child.

ten and a half years older and i still feel the same way.

i guess certain situations in life force you to be like that sometimes.

all my friends are these happy, bright, youth-like girls.

they never want to grow up.

they love sleepovers, little makeovers, gossip, partying, ect.

i do not know how i ever got stuck with them. haha

i love them all to death but i am just so different from them.

last night was the big all-night senior party.

i think i was the only one from my school that did not go.

i am not a party person.

i mean, i love having a good time and i don't mean to sound "boring" or something.

i am just on the more shy and quiet side who would probably have more fun having a deep conversation than partying it up all night with men and flirty girls.

shrug.

it just is not me.

whenever i have a sleepover at my friend's house i can never wait to go home.

and when i have a friend spend the night at my house i can not wait for them to leave.

i love spending time with people, but i am not willing to spend every moment of the day with people like my friends do.

i am a very independant person and have no problem spending time with myself and doing things myself.

the reason why i even bring this up is because my friend perlita spent the night last night.

she ate all my food, wanted to watch pathetic and unoriginal chick-flicks, and wanted to complain on and on about boys in her life.

it was so annoying.

i would say more but i got to go.

i got to do some stuff.

i hope you all have a great morning, afternoon, evening, or night, depending on where you all are.

by the way, my camera is broken. grr.

picture: me.

it's the infectuous breath of life that keeps the angels moving.

2009-06-04T08:28:00.003-06:00

good morning everyone.

yesterday was the last day of school and my last day of highschool.

now i just have to take a quick one to two week summer class to make up some past credits i never received.

been painting lately and excercising.

i am trying to get in shape for this saturday.

my friends want to go on this huge, long hike.

i haven't been hiking in years so i got to get myself together. :)

plus i am so clumsy so i am going to be tripping and falling on my face the whole time.

ugh, embarrassing.

i crave a white chocolate raspberry mint frap right now.

i think i am going to go paint or read or something since it is early and i have nothing to do.

sorry this post is so randomaly pointless but i really do not know what to say.

ever have one of those days?

those days when you just have no idea what to tell people?

i have them quite often.

come with me, into the trees... let's get away, just for one day.

2009-06-02T17:19:00.002-06:00

this is an amazing "fan made" music video for shiny toy guns version of "stripped."

it is so wonderully done.

and to "morning glory", i listened to the depeche mode version and loved it too! :)

i am not sure if it is truely artistically motified.

2009-06-02T15:14:00.004-06:00

this one made it to two art shows.

here is some of my latest art pieces. i don't think i have ever shown anyone on my blog my art. i know i talk about it quite often but never actually posted some.
.
this one was actually inspired by an anne hathaway photo. i changed it up though. i always change photos in my art to make them my own.
this one is just a quick sketch.

i'm so sick, infected with, where i live.

2009-06-02T13:35:00.002-06:00

i apologize for posting such a weird picture of myself.
i look positively sick or something, dead even.
but that is exactly how i feel.
.
can i ask you guys something?
okay, my parents are divorced and have been most of my life.
so think of this situation:
you find out that your dad is sleeping around with this woman.
she lives in the apartment above him.
she has three kids.
nearly every night, she leaves her kids to sleep with your father.
you know it is going on and you confront him about it.
he says that they are just friends.
you don't believe that fuck at all but try to let it go anyways.
then you go over to his house yesterday with your mum to pick up my little sister's child support that he owes.
you find her kids hanging around (your dad and "girlfriend" no where around) and they take you inside your dad's apartment to get the money.
(my dad let's his girlfriend and her kids come in and out of his aparment whenever they want. i on the other hand, have to call. his own daughter has to call)
then her kids start talking about how their mum "stayed the night down there" last night.
they see nothing wrong with it.
you go into his apartment and there are clothes and blankets all over the living room.
your dad ALWAYS keeps his house clean no matter what.
he is a clean freak.
you know exactly what had happened last night.
you feel like you are going to throw up.
you know he has the right to do what he wants, but your own father has been lying to you.
lying straight to your face.
i mean, you should be used to it because he has been doing it your whole life but this was the last straw.
you run out of his apartment and start to bawl your eyes out.
you never cry.
never.
you always hold it in.
but for some reason you can't this time and you just let it flow out.
your mum tells you that when she confronted him about it, he said that he wishes you were more like his girlfriend's family.
"they accept me the way i am" he says.
.
what do you do?
never talk to him again?
or do you forgive him.... AGAIN?
.
he has been lying to me like this my whole life... me mum thinks that i have had enough but doesn't want me to lose contact with him.
"he is your father afterall" she tells me.
but i never want to speak with him again.
it isn't like i am good enough for my own fucking father anyways.
.
i apologize again for posting something so personal. i really have a hard time talking about my personal life so i thought this way, since none of you know me really, i cuold get an outside opinion. i really need this. thank you.
.
what would you do????
.
picture: me

i hate sundays.

2009-05-31T19:53:00.004-06:00

i am freaking bored today. here is what i have been doing all day:

taking pictures.

me and my sister.

the animals have escaped.

2009-05-31T15:23:00.002-06:00

my friend chelsey and i went to perlita's for a sleepover on friday. it was pretty wild.

we played dressup with some of perlita's dance dresses. none of them were my style. i am more of a short dress, city sleek stuff. but it was fun.

sunday, bloody sunday.

2009-05-31T15:06:00.003-06:00

sweet fellow blogger, patricia snook, gave me my first blog award! :)

thank you so much girl, i love your blog and it made my day!

visit her here, she is such a darling:

http://sunshineandsparkles.blogspot.com/

i am so, so grateful for the support i have gotten with this online "diary".

it is so fun to do and i also feel empathized with.

the things i go through are tough and to hear that i am not the only one with hard times make me feel so blessed, plus it is a great reminder to stay optimistic.

so thank you!

photos: me :)

that face who's tearing holes in me again.

2009-05-29T15:24:00.005-06:00

i know this song is terribly old and probably everyone has heard it. but it really fits my feelings right now.
i am not a big fan of all american rejects either, but again the lyrics just talk about my life pretty much.
this is for my father.
it makes me cry everytime.

you said that you would die for me, you must live for me too.

2009-05-29T13:03:00.005-06:00

i am

but

today was pretty much my last real day of school.

next week is just a bunch of random shit that i don't need to attend to.

i am going to get a job in the next week or so hopefully and then start my quick summer class that should only take a week or two to finish.
to.

i have to apologize in advance for this but i really gotta vent on the things that have been causing me to feel depressed and anxious.

here are some things that have been stressing me in no particular order:

1. finding an apartment seeing as my dad and me won't speak to each other and so he refuses to fix the shower in the apartment i planned on moving into in the first place.

2. my anxiety has gone up tremendously in the past week.

3. my brother-in-law is a selfish dick and doesn't even know the meaning of compassion.

4. getting a job.

5. my stubborn father who thinks he can see the world through a mirror.

6. graduating.

7. picking the right college.

8. my car. i need a new one.

9. i feel like i am not being thought of by my friends or family.

10. i am never listened to by friends and family. i am one of the greatest listeners i know and all my friends and family come to me for advice. but the second i show signs of depression or maybe i am just having a bad day, no one is willing to listen. no one cares.

11. i don't feel loved. i don't. people never go out of their way for me just to make me feel like i am worth... anything. i feel completely worthless.

12. i have gained back some of my depression and i can't make it better when no one is willing to even notice that i am down.

13. i am not respected by the people around me. they think they can just use me when i am needed, when no one will listen to them, they know i will. and then they leave me flat on my face.

14. i feel... i feel as though i am looked down upon. i do not feel like i have made a difference in anybody's life. i do not feel... like i am so different than the people around me so they believe that is wrong. it is wrong to think differently than them. it is wrong to dream.

15. i am incredibly judged on the way i act. who isn't though right? but it has gotten to a point with me that i feel so wrong that i am starting to believe maybe i am just a bad person. and the sad thing is: i have never done anything wrong. so why do i feel now that i have?

16. i don't have any money right now.

17. i am sick of being a convinience for people. i have never been someone's priority. i have never been thought of first.

18. i can never sleep.

19. and when i do sleep i have terrible nightmares.

20. nobody tries for me. i mean, if i seem shy or i seem different or stubborn, people just give up. men give up. why waste their time on something they have to work for, even if it is what they really wanted in the end?

21. people lie straight to my face and they think i can't tell. i can see straight through people. i am not fucking stupid. don't mess with me.

22. i just wish one, just one person would accept me for everything i am, and not who i can never be.

23. stop using me and then give me nothing in return, not even a thankful hug. they get what they need from me and then leave me to pick up their broken pieces along with my heart.

there are only so many ways you can break someone's heart.

and there are only so many pieces you can break off of one before it becomes unfixable.

i am getting to that point where i don't know if there is even someone out there brave enough to stick around to see if they can break down these walls i have built around myself to see if they can save me.

to see if i am saveable.

because i am worth it...

aren't i?

the white stripes have me wrapped up in smiles.

2009-05-28T16:18:00.001-06:00

party like it's 1988.

2009-05-27T17:09:00.005-06:00

so my car, as i stated before, is pretty much done for. it is so sad because as much as a piece of shit that it was, it was still my car and i loved it. it was so me and matched my personality. you know, broken, scratched, and dented but still fun and lovable. haha my friends loved my car more than i did even. they all pretty much have cars but when it came to going somewhere together everyone picked mine to carpool in. my car had like no shocks or whatever you call them (i know nothing about cars) so even the slightest bump made it feel like a rollercoaster. it was so fun. good times, good times. but it was an '88 so the end of it was not surprising. but that jeta stayed alive for the longest time so i applaud it.

me at a duck park near where i live.

my jeta. poor thing, just looking at it makes you feel bad. haha
me in my ghetto car and the mountains in the background near where i live as well.

my amy brown seat covers. :)

waking to the sound of a kitty's meow.

2009-05-27T06:10:00.002-06:00

Watching... nothing at the moment. nothing comes on the telly this early in the morning that interests me. i am looking at different blogs though if that will count.

Listening... to the birds chirping outside, saying, "good morning!" and the sprinklers watering lawns across the town.

Drinking... some healthy, pulp-filled orange juice for breakfast. i really should be eating more when i wake up but i am never really in the mood for anything in the mornings.

Wanting... a white-chocolate- raspberry- mint frapaccino. the day off of school would be nice. i could then work on some of my art and read some books that i got fromthe library yesterday. some aussie music from the dew process would be nice as well.

Trying.... to make it through this last week of my highschool life. then i got to try and get myself motivated to quicky start and finish summer school so i can move into my new apartment.

this lovely little "update on your life" thing was suggested on the blog, here comes the sun.

http://amanda-thomas.blogspot.com/

i had also seen it on the blog, daydream lily.

http://daydreamlily.blogspot.com/

i hope your day will be great.

my car pretty much died on me yesterday so i have to drive me mum's vehicle.

i don't see anymore hope for my little ghetto thing even though i loved it dearly.

i think i might make an official memorial post on here soon.

they said my style was nuts!

2009-05-26T20:30:00.001-06:00

i want to go to britain now.

she wanted nothing in return.

2009-05-26T19:39:00.002-06:00

here are a few of the newest pieces by talented and provocative artist, kime buzzelli.

i adore her work.

http://themoldydoily.typepad.com/

untitled.

2009-05-26T18:35:00.001-06:00

i hope you all can read this.
the writing is a little small.
but i really need to remember this.
and i truely believe that every one should too.
:)

viewer descretion advised.

2009-05-26T15:51:00.003-06:00

before you read this i just want to warn you that it isn't for immature people to read. i will be talking about pornography and things related but for an appropriate usage. i am not speaking of it because i enjoy it. i have been having some serious thoughts and questions about it.

i have been reading a blog lately only because i have found it to be very interesting what this girl has to say and for the unsurprising offended but sometimes supportive comments. i am not sure i should say the name of the blog only because i feel a little bit bad for the girl.

she has gotten a lot of shit thrown at her for her blog posts. she is not on a blogger account but is on a xanga one.

i do however suppose that i should not feel sorry for her because it is her own fault that she puts what she does up for the world to see.

on her blog, this young woman has been posting pornographic pictures that can sometimes be extremely graphic for the immature eyes.

at times there are women and men receiving blow jobs, women being touched in private places, men and women having extreme sex, and homosexuals kissing and feeling each other. there have even been some phrases put up indicating sex and other oral activites. now i have enjoyed some of the photography at times. not the very extreme ones, but there are often romantic ones that are estectically pleasing to me. i have never seen anything wrong with sex, or anything to do with it. i believe it to be a very beautiful thing.

but some of the topics lately have really begun to annoy me.

i see nothing wrong in having your own opinion on things, but this girl seems to love the offended comments and feeds on them to make people more angered. some completely agree with her. but i have noticed that a lot of the people commenting believe that she is sinning with what she does. i think i am going to show you some of the things she has said that have upset people:

1. she had a picture that advised: "get excited and masturbate, it's free!"

2. she did a post called: "the art of mind fucking"

and a part of it said, "a woman who is really into being mind fucked and evensplanning of suffering her career at this very momentbecause of her addiction for being mind fucked."

3. "i also promote, what some consider to be a sin, masturbation because it helps to relieve stress, prevent pregancy and the spreading of disease, and it also helps to control sexual urges that humans have been given by God. my reason for masturbating is that i have been unable to give myself sexually to a member of the opposite sex. ever since i was 15, i have had strong sexual urges and i really cannot substain from controlling them which is practically inhumane act on their behalf. in my opinion, i do not believe that masturbation is a sin and therefore, i will continue to masturbate even if people tell me it is a sin. i should not have to be ashamed of my sin if i do not think that it is a sin at all. i really do believe that this is all pretty understandable."

4. but none of that realy bugged me until this one:
"everyone once in a while i like to look at pornography on the internet as i am sure alot of people do. i am an adult now but even before i ended up looking at it since those who watch it know that is can be so alluring. anyways i thought that i would post my top favorite pornography sites. the following pornography sites are usually good for viewing pornography because of the high quality and time limits of the videos. feel free to check them out."

and then the girl gives out all of her favorite porn sites with links.

ladies and gentlemen, this girl is eighteen years old and still in highschool.

she is promoting pornography to everyone that comes across her blog.

now i was perfectly fine with her opinion on masturbation and porn-addiction.

it is completely her choice and i respected that entirely.

i actually found her opinions interesting even if i did not entirely agree with them.

but i do not agree with her choice to try and get others to think it is okay.

i do not agree with her choice to allow people easy access to pornographic sites.

she gave a list of eight different sites and then asked people to comment to tell her their favorite porn sites.

so far there are eighty-two replies to this with half of the people telling about their most watched porn videos.

she is also being told "thank you" for showing a link to these sites.

am i wrong to be disturbed by this?

i am not a very judgemental person and i believe that people have the right to watch and do what they want and i repsect them for their opinions.

but this girl is stil lin highschool and is completely promoting something that is so graphic and sexual.

i mean, i am eighteen myself and don't mind looking at nude photos. but i think that is because i do not look at it for sexual urges to be released or for sexual pleasure. i see nudity as an art and something that should be used in a beautiful way. i have even posted nude pictures myself. but i never did or do it because i am sexually wanting satisfaction or something. i post them because i realize the art in it. i am more mature than what this girl is i believe. and i am not trying to sound cocky when i say that.

what do you all think?

all pictures found in nylon magazines.

zopes anyone?

2009-05-25T21:38:00.005-06:00

today i went to one of my closest friends' house for dinner. she is mexican so her mum made me homemade mexican food. she does this quite often for me since she knows i love it so much. she made what is called zopes, which is pronounced with an "s" and not a "z" sound. it is so wonderful. i ate more than her whole family combined.

perlita thought it would be funny to capture a moment of me eating.

perlita.

my second plate nearly all eaten up.

the mastermind behind the masterpiece herself: perlita's mum.

i would kill for this salsa.

the little mum at work.

i am going over on friday for more. haha

it's hard to watch things change when all you want for them is to stay the same.

2009-05-25T12:32:00.003-06:00

good morning.
well, it is actually 12:40 in the afternoon.
i just woke up.
i told you i was tired.
my sister is going out with friends today and me mum is staying home to decorate her bedroom pink and black.
she wants me to do some art to put in some frames for the room.
today, i think i might try to get together with a friend or something.
happy memorial day.

as far as daisies go.

2009-05-24T23:38:00.002-06:00

the beautiful daisy lowe photographed by mariano vivanco.

um yeah she is to die for gorgeous.

http://www.marianovivanco.com/editorial/

i think i may try to go to sleep again. it is almost midnight.

and with my wide eyes, i see worlds that don't belong.

2009-05-24T21:45:00.003-06:00

i can not sleep again.

i mean, it is still early.

it is about 10:00 pm in utah.

still, i am incredibly exhausted.

i had my first full-blown panic attack in six months.

it was my dad that made me snap.

i was so scared.

i found myself running and locking myself in the bathroom for the longest time.

my makeup was smeared all over the tub sides because i was crying and screaming and lashing around so much.

i know not a lot of people understand the seriousness of anxiety attacks, and few have really experienced one themselves.

but you all have to understand that when you have one, you literally feel like you are dying.

you can not see and your lips tremble and your eyes twitch.

you go into a mode where your whole body is rigid and it strains all your muscles so when the attack is over, you can barely move because you are so weak.

when i am through with mine whenever i have them, i can barely walk and i studder in my speech for two days.

i thought i was so much better.

and i still am, i just believed that i would never have to go through another outburst like that again.

i do not understand why my father makes the decisions he does.

i will never understand him.

he loves his girlfriend and her family more than his own daughters.

he told me and my sisters yesterday that he wishes we were more like his girlfriend's kids.

i hate him.

and i don't hate anybody.

he isn't my father.

not anymore.

it's just a mirage.

2009-05-24T13:11:00.004-06:00

my most recent muse and love:

mirage magazine

i can not get enough of its provocative sexiness.

the women in it are definate girl-crushes.

i have fallen for all of them.

i went to barnes and noble yesterday to buy the latest nylon magazine and i found this treat.

i craved and wanted it so bad but it was unfortunately too much more money than i had with me at the time.

i seriously thought about stealing it.

but the thing was massive and i knew i could not just slip it in my jacket pocket. :)

but i was able to find some of the photos from the issue online so i hope you enjoy them as much as i have and still am.

the cover.

i wanted these sunglasses so much.

aww, my little sister just made me a toasted cheese sandwich that i have been craving all morning. i have been having a really hard time lately so she made me one.

my sister never does things that for me.

that made me smile.

the life of jane to this point is radiating with anticipation.

2009-05-23T11:25:00.002-06:00

my friend chelsey and a jack ass girl who came along with her on our road trip down south for the day. :)

me mum bought this twenty year old garfield figurine thing. i love garfield so it made me laugh.
me and one of my best friends, perlita (her real name is perla but i call her perlita) trying on some cowboy hats at the mall. so not our style either. haha

when we left the mall yesterday the sunset was so pretty, i had to capture it with perlita.

me and perlita in my ghetto car. i looked drugged or something. ah well.

wow, this week has been very frustrating and difficult. my grandparents came into town a little over a week ago and i haven't been able to do hardly anything. they are nearing the end of their lives so my parents think i need to spend as much time with them as i can.

i completely understand that, but they came at the worst time possible.

i am graduating and it is the end of my last year of highschool. all these parties are going on nearly every night and i have been invited to almost every one. but unfortunately, like i stated before, i am not aloud to go to any of them. i am missing out on my final year of required school because my grandparents had to come down at this time.

i missed my senior dance and one of my best friend's birthday party. i was the only one that could not go.

finally, last night, me mum aloud me to go to the mall with my other best friend, perlita. my hell, i was so relieved to get out of the house and away from my family! as much as i love them, i love them even more at a distance. how depressing is that?

i suppose i should speak of my grandparents on a lighter subject because they really are the best grandfolks in the world. they would do anything for me and my family. yesterday afternoon, before i went with perlita, they took my whole family out to dinner to celebrate my graduation. they gave me two hundred dollars as a present. i had an assumption that they would give me some money but i didn't expect that much.

now i just have to decide what to spend it on.

i was thinking of using it to help pay for a newer car. i am going to need one when i move to my apartment in a couple of months. then i thought about using it to help buy a laptop. i am going to need a computer when i move away too because i got to be able to create posts! plus, i spend a lot of my free time reading other blogs and looking at photography. i also use a computer for my art.

anyways, so i got to think that through.

hey i am listening to a song by jem right now called "they". i like the song but the girl is so... blah. i love her voice and music but she has absolutely no life in her eyes. she has the same expresion in all of her videos. she is beautiful but has no passion.

what do you think? here are some video links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90KyZ1GbJGI&feature=related

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSLvcJ4I1mw&NR=1

so in a post a little while back, one of my fellow, sweet blogger friends, morning glory, asked me what my favorite memory was. the one that made me smile just thinking about it.

the first memory that came into my head was when me and perlita went to lava hot springs in idaho. i hate idaho with a passion but this place is heaven. it is a spring that is literally heated by lava that is right under the surface. it is not man-made or heated. it is all natural. well in the summer the springs are right next to a river and tourists are aloud to go tubing down it. the lava also heats the river so the water is nice and warm.

it is so much fun.

anyways, me and perlita went up there in the summertime to go tubing of course. my family knows of a waterfall that is up the river a little ways from where you are supposed to start. the waterfall is quite high and lands in a huge wide pool of water that tourists can swim in, if they know where it is of course. :)

well my older brother and poppa decided that they thought it would be fun to try and swim upstream, against the waterfall's current. boys will be boys right? haha while they were messing around near the waterfall, perlita, my younger sister, and i were swimming around in the shallower water near the lava rocks. i had the brilliant idea to jump off the rocks into the deeper water, which was near the falls. my sister was like, "have fun with that one." she seriously is no fun but perlita thought it might be an adventure so she jumped in. to our surprised eyes, perlita could not swim against the waterfall's current and started to drift away, bobbing her head up and down under the water. she started to scream so i dove in after her screaming myself. i do not know what i was thinking since i have no upperbody strength and had no idea how i would save her but i did it anyways. at least i was going to try. unbafflingly i could not swim against the strong current myself. we were both screaming trying to stay above the water and i glanced at my little sister on the shore, who was laughing.

her older sister is going to die and she is laughing.

then, get this, i started to laugh. i was drowning and drifting further away from shore and i was laughing. then perlita started laughing. there we were, getting dunked below the surface and possibly going to die together and we are screaming our asses off while laughing at the same time. my poppa and brother had no idea what was going on the whole time.

finally, when neither of us could breathe at all, our feet slammed against some rocks. frantically we stood on them and realized we had floated back to the shore. we were so wrapped up in our near-death laughing experience that we hadn't even noticed ourselves floating back to the rocks by my sister.

yeah, um, we felt ridiculous and stupid but we can not stop laughing about it to this day.

thank you MG for that question. i hope it made you and other's smile. :)

btw, readers, here is MG blog site. it is a treat so check it out:

http://morningglorybox.blogspot.com/

well, i hope you all have a fantastic saturday and have some fun with friends.

kermit is dead.

2009-05-23T08:03:00.002-06:00

the first celebrity swine-flu victim.

(we all know who the carrier was)

my older sister sent this to me in an email. i love making humor out of this swine flu thing. i mean, it is not funny by all means, but people are really making more of a big deal out of it than they should. more people die from regular flu than anyone has from pigs.

i know it has been a few days since i have posted and i appologize. i have to go to a breakfast thing this morning where they will be serving a lot of meat.

yuck.

but i told everyone that i would bring the orange juice, ketchup, and salsa. i felt like i should help out a little.

so when i get back i will make a bigger update and let you in on some things that have happened to me.

i hope you all have a beautiful morning and your dreams last night were quite fanciful. :)

tomorrow's sound.

2009-05-20T12:42:00.004-06:00

everyone that reads my blog should know that i love jared leto.

he is so attractively handsome.

i have to also admit that i think some men look extremely sexy in eyeliner.

here is one of my most favorite music videos with him"

from yesterday

from one gal to another.

2009-05-18T19:53:00.004-06:00

wow, i have been posting a lot today! ah well, i have a lot on my mind plus i don't have anything else to do since i do not feel good.

okay i am going to take a small risk. i was reading a blog today called the loveliest tragedy. the author is not apart of blogger but posts on xanga.com

anyways, she requested that her readers ask questions so that they could learn more about her. i thought it was such a great idea, plus i really liked the questions that were asked.

so i have decided to answer some of the same questions. i am giving the loveliest tragedy full credit for all these questions so do not believe that i am stealing them.

1-What's the last major life-change you made?
the last major change in my life that i have made is working out again. being healthy is really important to me and i have not worked out in a very long time. my body is starting to feel it. i have already gained a few pounds. so by starting to work out again, i feel moer energetic and alive.

2-What's the most amazing thing about you?
hmm, the most amazing thing about me is probably the fact that i am still alive and that i have made it this far. having gone through many disorders, depression, anorexia, medication experimentation, hurting myself, and even trying to take my own life, i have seen hell and know what it is like to want to die. i am proud of myself that i was able to conquer all of my downfalls and believe in myself to cure my sadness and trials.

3-Do you have a birthmark?
yes, i happen to have a few. you can not really see them however. only if you were to look closely.

4-Who do you love that is special in your life?
someone i am so grateful for and wouldn't be alive still if he wasn't in my life would be my best friend j. i adore him and if he never let me lean on his shoulders when i couldn't move, i just do not know what would have happened. he accepts me for everything i am and not who i am not. he accepts my stubborness, my different and elaborate opinions, and he loves to debate with me just as much as i love debating with him.

5-Do you have any pets? If so, what kind?
yes i have two pets. i have one cat named hannah. she seriously believes she is the whole world and that everyone should bow to her. and i have a kick-ass gerbil named edward. and no, he is not named after the twilight boy. he just looks like an edward and bites everyone but me.

6-When have you laughed the hardest, tell us the story?
hmm, i can not really recall a specific time. i love laughing and do so often. i tend to laugh the most when i am with my closest friends because we all have inside jokes with each other.

7-What's your favorite color?
i like red, black, and purple.

8-Do you eat your popcorn with salt or butter or both?
i love a lot of butter and a little salt. i have to say that my favorite kind of popcorn is the kind you get at the movie theatre. i love it.

9-Do you color your hair?
i got my hair colored for the very first time about a month ago when i dyed it black, aburb-brown, and purple.

10-What's you religion?
i am christian.

11-Do you think that wearing bright pink patten heels in public is a GOOD idea?

sure, if the person likes to why not?

12-If you could live in any time in history, when would you choose and why?
oh this one is so easy for me. i would choose to live in the late 1700's to early 1800's. the time of jane austen. i have always adored the romanticism of living the way they did. and i also love the 70's. everything was so funky and fun back in that time.

13-Have you ever read any Harry Potter?
i have read some of them. but i think that seven books to make a point is just too long. i don't like them very much. the movies are even worse.

14-What is the biggest life lesson you learned?

forgiveness means that you have let go of the hope that the past will be different.

15-What is one thing that you wish everyone knew about you?

i am so much more than meets the eye. i just wish you would not judge me on first impression.

16-What's your favorite smell?
i really love the smell of the ocean and rain. i also love perfume. i can not get enough of it. and believe it or not, i am a big fan of the smell of pike place market in seattle. the salty air just gets to me.

17-What's the one thing you'd like to tell a newcomer to your blog before he/she starts reading it?
i just want people to know that i am nothing but a dreamer that loves musing and thinking about life. if you do not appreciate what i have to say then that is alright. we all have our opinions and i respect yours as well. i enjoy feedback. not because i am one that enjoys getting attention through blogging, but because i love other's views on things. i love opinions. so feel free to say anything you want.... as long as you do not be too mean. but i have never had a rude comment so far so i don't think i have to worry about that too much. haha

18-Who is your favorite author?
right now i am highly enjoying chuck palahniuk. he is a genius and so inventive. i also have always been a fan of jane austen and shakespeare.

19-What is your raisn d'etre' (your reason for existing)? How has this made you a better person and influenced the people around you?
it is funny, but i feel like the main reason i survive is to help other people with their existance. haha i know that sounds silly but it is true. i love giving advice.

20-If you could go somewhere..anywhere where would you go?
i want to go to the ocean right now. i miss it with a heartache.

21-How often would you LIKE to have sex?
i have to be honest. i have never had sex. i know, i am eighteen and a lot of people my age have already lost their virginity. but i am very, very protective of myself and do not want to give myself to just anyone. i do not see anything wrong with sex at all. in fact, i look forward to it. but when i am giving myself to someone i just want to know that i am not wasting anything. but as soon as i find that someone, i will want to have sex a lot.

22-What is your earliest memory? i can remember things clear back when i was two years old. i have a good memory when it comes to things that have happened. the first thing i remember was a dream i had. my family was living with bears. :)

23-What is your biggest pet peeve(s)?
i hate, hate, hate, immaturity. and i hate small-mindedness and people that are always happy. i wish people would know when to be serious.

24-What is your favorite body part, and why?
oh my, i have never really thought about a "favorite" body part before. i guess on a guy i really like hands if they are strong and big. you can do a lot of things with hands you know? ;)

okay so i would love it if anyone would ask me some more questions as well. i love answering questions. anything would do. and i thank the loveliest tragedy for the question ideas.

photo found on http://allie-poehlingx3.xanga.com/

and the idea from this post from http://the-loveliest-tragedy.xanga.com/

i printed my heart on a piece of paper for you. please don't lose it.

2009-05-18T11:32:00.004-06:00

i came home early from school because my allergies are overcrowding my mind so i can not think straight.
i haven't had allergies in four years.
and then they decide to just sprout from out of no where.
my older sister told me that sometimes there are plants we are allergic to that only bloom every few years or so.
she said maybe that is why i am reacting now.
because my "special allergic reactant plant" decided to spring up this year and cause my head to feel all dizzy and i can not breathe.
i am not sure if i believe my sister but that is all i got at the moment.
so right now i am just eating my poppa's homemade herb-and-sun-dried-tomato bread.
it is seriously heaven.
well keep on being your darling selves.
i got to write this shitty paper for my english class about "the biggest and hardest decision you have ever made".
what a joy.

she who wanders.

2009-05-18T11:20:00.002-06:00

a while back i created a post http://itsthefancifuldreams.blogspot.com/2009/03/who-is-she-sandra-nurmsalu.html#comments about the lovely girl sandra nurmsalu from estonia. recently a sweet girl named lisa and an anonymous commenter informed me that she was from show/competition called "eurovision". this girl only came in sixth. that is bullshit. i looked up some of the other contestants that had been on there and none of them stole my heart like sandra did.

here you can watch the preformance yourself and get your own opinion:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIzYqFewvAs

and then here are the lyrics in english. i love these lyrics.

The Nomads (or wanderers)

In the desert heat the sand

Blows like ice-cold snow

Night soon unfurls her wings

Nothing but the wind to escort the nomads

It is the way they wander from one day to the next

It is the way they wander from one life to the next

It is the way it weaves an invisible path

Before them it waits until you are ready to take the risk

It conveys only frozen souls

The moonlight makes shadows of them

Warmth in a ray of sunlightIs what the morning brings once again

It is the way they wander from one day to the next

It is the way they wander from one life to the next

It is the way it weaves an invisible path

Before them it waits until you are ready to take the risk

They wander from one day to the next

They wander from one life to the next

It weaves an invisible pathIt waits until you are ready to take the risk

A voice echoes over the mountains up to the heavens

It is the way they wander from one day to the next

It is the way they wander from one life to the next

It is the way it weaves an invisible path

Before them it waits until you are ready to take the risk

It is the way

thank you to those who commented to help inform me of this adorable girl.

photo was found on google images.

keep daydreaming those faniciful thoughts. :)

it's my 100th birthday and no one's brought me cake...

2009-05-18T06:03:00.002-06:00

....so i guess this picture will have to do.
ladies and gentler ones, this is my 100th post and i must say that i am very proud of myself.
blogs are so much fun. i never used to really be into them. i mean, i have always thought that it would be cool to let the world know what i was musing about for that moment but i never really got around to doing it. then one day i was looking at photography and i came across a blog where i found many interesting things that caused me to want to start one as well. i am terribly sorry that i can not think of the blog that got me going. how awful is that? but it was last year and i have a horrid memory for names.
it is so incredible how much i have changed since i started my blog towards the end of '08. people around me have noticed my changes and behavior. i am not the same alexandra jane most people are used to. i have always been more mature for my age but in the past couple of months i have grown up even more. my friends and family have stated that i have become more gentler and kinder in my speaking to people, i have been taking even more responsibility for my actions and with being an adult.
my life has been a collection of many, many rollercoasters that seem to never stop twisting and turning, sending me on a stomach-churning ride. it has been good for me however and i am grateful for it because without the suffering, i would never have known what it was like to be happy. just when you think the dark could go on forever, the sun starts to peek out from the horizon.
i am really proud of myself. this blog had enabled me to write down my thoughts and feelings, muses, and addictions. i have never been one for journal or diary writing. it bores me i believe because with a diary, you can't get feedback! :)
i hope i can continue to write down as many fanciful dreams as i can.
.
photo link:
http://lookbook.nu/look/77016-because-I-never-grew-out-of-wearing-tutus

the dawn is breaking.

2009-05-14T14:08:00.010-06:00

alright my friends, i am sorry that this one is so terribly long, but i could not help myself. i was inspired by a fellow blogger when she created a post on film stills. and when i saw the pride and prejudice ones i just died. i had to make one with keira knightly. i know most people think she is "too skinny" or "she exposes her body too much" but i don't give a shit. i think she has the right to do whatever she wants with her body. and i think people should leave her alone. she is beautiful.

here she is in some of my most favorite stills of her in such movies as

pride and prejudice

atonement

the jacket

the duchess

pirates of the carribean

king arthur

princess of thieves (definately NOT my fav movie haha)

and love actually

all photos found on various keira knightley websites.

keep daydreaming!

talk about getting intimate with your family.

2009-05-12T18:04:00.001-06:00

this is the weirdest, most embarrassing family picture i have ever laid my eyes on....

is anyone else worried about this family?

found on this blog:

http://the-loveliest-tragedy.xanga.com/

first rule about jared: you must always love jared.

2009-05-12T16:36:00.004-06:00

my uh, newest crush.

um, i love him.

jared leto. lead singer of 30 seconds to mars and also an actor.

you can recognize him mostly in the movies "alexander", "requiem of dreams", and my personal favorite: "fight club" as angel face.

angel face INDEED.

i couldn't resist this one ;)

as angel face in "fight club" back in '96. i like him with darker hair better but i loved him in this movie.

all photos found on google images.

untitled.

2009-05-12T16:34:00.000-06:00

this is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

2009-05-12T13:13:00.002-06:00

i have insomnia.

i seriously think i have insomnia.

i haven't slept in over two weeks.

i am alive but feel dead.

does anyone know a way to get yourself to fall asleep?

don't say anything stupid like "counting sheep" or something lame like that.

i am seriously in need of some advice to get me to dream again.

i miss the world i used to visit when i slept.

http://dziafna.deviantart.com/art/insomnia-51520269

i have become tired of dancing.

2009-05-10T14:57:00.003-06:00

like i said in my last post, this past week has been absolutely out of control.
i am entirely exhausted to the point of hopelessness.
i am in AP Art and the final test was this last friday. i had to compose a portfolio filled with my art on an online website where college professors judge my work to decide if i deserve college credit for it. i also had to send in five original pieces that they can see personally.
i can not discover my results on this test until late june to early july. i am quite on edge with anxiety. i am fearing that i will not be able to contain my excitement in a patient state any longer.
and it has only been two days.
i have kept myself up for over a week trying to create pieces that i believe fits the standards of the judging. my art teacher pulled me aside on friday after i had mailed my portfolio to the eastern part of the country and told me that my portfolio was, in her opinion, the best out of my whole class and the other students that was turning their art in as well.
i guess that boosted my hope up a bit.
so that is why i have not posted hardly this past week. i have been so booked up with expectations. but i am finished with it and i pray that it has all been worth it.

somebody rox.

2009-05-10T11:08:00.002-06:00

hey sorry on my lack of posting the past couple days. it has been quite the week! i will update soon but for now here is a beautiful photoshoot of mischa barton from the magazine cosmopolitan. hope you enjoy it! i just found it on her facebook page and fell in love.

one of my favorites.

this one is so glamorous.

be still my gentle heart.

2009-05-04T19:57:00.003-06:00

so today i thought that sluffing just wasn't the right thing to do anymore. haha so i got home release.

i told my school counselor that my sociology class was pointless and repetitive. all we do is take notes. the teacher always finishes about a half hour before class should even get out so the rest of the class and me just sleep, daydream, or listen to music.

in my case, i take a dose of all three.

but anyways, my counselor believed me and so now i have dropped sociology for a time to just go home for the rest of the day. how nice it feels. :)

picture found on deviantart.com

the law of the jungle.

2009-05-03T13:15:00.006-06:00

may has started and that means that we are graced with another photospread from la2day.

this time around, the jungle book is the inspiration.

Now this is the Law of the Jungle - as old and as true as the sky;

And the Wolf that shall keep it may prosper, but the Wolf that shall break it must die.

Wash daily from nose-tip to tail-tip; drink deeply, but never too deep;

And remember the night is for hunting, and forget not the day is for sleep.
If ye kill before midnight, be silent, and wake not the woods with your bay,

Lest ye frighten the deer from the crops, and the brothers go empty away.

Ye may kill for yourselves, and your mates, and your cubs as they need, and ye can;

But kill not for pleasure for killing, and seven times never kill Man.

The Kill of the Pack is the meat of the Pack.

Ye must eat where it lies;

And no one may carry away of that meat to his lair, or he dies.

Now these are the Laws of the Jungle, and many and mighty are they;

But the head and the hoof of the

Law and the haunch and the hump is - Obey!

models: tomo miyama, celeste thorson, michael freeby

photography by shannon rowland
photographed at the standard hotel hollywood
poem by rudyard kipling from the second jungle book
website link:
http://www.la2day.com/fashion/photo_spread_the_law_of_the_jungle
.
keep on daydreaming!

inside out.

2009-05-03T09:58:00.005-06:00

i have always admired the young actress emmy rossum. she is so gentle yet seductively talented with her acting and singing. you will remember her most in her role as christine in the phantom of the opera starring opposite gerard butler. in 2007, emmy debuted her first solo album called "inside out." i bought it as soon as i heard about it.

i love it.

you have to kind of like calming, running-through-a-field-of-flowers- type music to really appreciate it. and i do. haha her voice is so angelic. she wrote nearly every song her way. she wanted it to be like that. all the many voices in each song you hear is emmy. she recorded herself singing each high and low note and then combined them all to make each song. her voice also substitutes many instruments. i remember reading in an article about her once that she wanted to create an album that was her and what was inside her.

here are some pictures of her from her album and her first music video, "slow me down" which is one of my favorites from the cd.

the song lyrics are from her song "falling." it is one of my other favorites.

What's coming over me

I've no control

I hear a voice saying get a hold

Of yourself you seem like

Someone else I don't know

Where have my senses gone,

I lost my way

With every touch you intoxicate

Pull me in, stop making

My head spin, I'm losing it

Upside down my feet

can't find the ground

My mixed up mind's a blur

I trip on every word

Cause I'm falling, falling fast

Like I always do

Tell me it won't pass

I've everything to lose

Stop me before I go too far

Go on go on keep me falling

Hold my tongue before I say too much

Please don't run

I need to know because

I'm gonna let go c'mon catch me

Go on go on keep me falling

You are everywhere inside my head

And I'm all tangled up in your web

So surreal but I like how it feels

In this reverie

Just a look and I'm not thinking straight

I'm addicted I don't wanna wait I'm letting go

Of everything that I know, I'm losing it

Up and down my spine go shock waves now

Tumbling heels over head

Lost in this maze again

Cause I'm falling, falling fast

Like I always do

Tell me it won't pass

I've everything to lose

Stop me before I go too far

Go on go on keep me falling

Hold my tongue before I say too much

Please don't run I need to know because

I'm gonna let go c'mon catch me

Go on go on keep me falling

the songs on the album:

1. slow me down: the first single and the favorite of most.

2. inside out: the song that is also the title of the album. i like this one because it kind of causes you to sway back and forth listening to it. it is very relaxing. it is about how she wonders if you will still love her if you see what she has inside.

3. stay: this one is not my favorite mainly because of the beginning. i am not a fan of the sound of the many voices singing.

4. falling: one of the ones i like the best. it is about "fallin" in love. :)

5. the great divide: this one is phenominal because emmy's voice is incredible. she said in an interview that she had to work for days practicing to train her voice to preform such range.

6. lullaby: this one isn't really a lullaby to me. it is very much like "stay" in the aspect of i do not like the beginning voices. but i like the rest of the song.

7. don't stop now: i love this one too. it is kind of sad because it is about a girl and how she is in love with a man but he doesn't love her back. he loves another. so she is saying that the only way she can get over it is if he continues to ignore her.

8. high: this one is a 50/50 for me. i don't love it but i don't hate it. it is one of the more faster one ones. but none of her songs are really faster, haha, just a little faster than the rest.

9. a million pieces: i like this one as well. except for the beginning verse. her voice sounds a little strange in my opinion.

10. rainy days and mondays: this song is a remake from way back in the day. i love it just because i can listen to it when i am depressed. :)

11. anymore: this one means a whole lot to emmy. she wrote it for her dad who left her and her mum when she was really little. i like this one too.

photos found on emmy's website:

http://www.emmyrossumfan.com/gallery/index.php?cat=49

please check this beautiful album out. emmy worked her ass off to make this her own. it is very different than you would expect and very unlike the popular music of today. and this is why i love it.

keep daydreaming. :)

i want breakfast with audrey...

2009-05-02T14:39:00.002-06:00

because i love her.
if she was still living today i would kidnap her and marry her. her and her cat named "cat."
she is one of the most equisitely and admirably women in all of history.
am i wrong?
no i am not.
here are some snapshots of her in one of my favorite movies of her and one of my favorite movies of all time:
breakfast at tiffany's.

one of my most beloved parts in the whole movie.

if you have lived your life without seeing this classic movie you really are not living.

here audrey is again. i am in love with her classic, elegant, and graceful style. i doubt she ever needed to put any effort into what she did and is still doing to people everywhere.

photos found on google images.

keep daydreaming!

surveyed.

2009-05-02T13:21:00.002-06:00

Are your parents married or divorced? my parents are divorced.
Are you a vegetarian? yes to an extent i am. i only eat meat if i am forced and i can't see it.
Do you believe in Heaven? heaven is something i believe in yes, but i am not sure where it is or who gets to live there.
Have you ever come close to dying? a few times.
What jewelry do you wear 24/7? i wear my peace and love neckalace and a couple of bracelets that match pretty much everything.
Are you eating? not at the moment. i had some doritos a couple of minutes ago.
Do you eat the stems of broccoli? yes but they have to be cooked. i hate cold veggies.
Do you wear makeup? yes but not a lot.
Would you ever have plastic surgery? no. i think if i had that kind of money i would just go to italy or something.
What do you wear to bed? shorts and a T.
Have you ever done anything illegal? yes but nothing drastic.
Can you roll your tounge? haha yes. i had to do it just now to make sure i could.
Do You have a boyfriend or girlfriend? nope. neither.
Do you believe in Abortions? only if the mother's life is in danger. other than that, i think everyone child should have a chance.
What is your Hair color? auburn-brown, black, and purple.
Future child's name, boy and girl? oh i like so many.
Do you smoke? no i do not.
If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? italy.
Do you sleep with stuffed animals? one yes but it so big i use it as a pillow.
If you won the lottery, what would you do first? go to italy or buy myself a lovely apartment in the city somewhere.
Gold or silver? silver
Hamburger or hot dog? hamburger if i had to choose.
If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? reeses, frapaccinos, and pasta.
City, beach or country? a city near the beach. :)
What was the last thing you touched? the keyboard.
Where did you eat last? here in my house.
When's the last time you cried? the other day.
Do you read blogs? yes i do.
Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? haha i do sometimes. not like over the top, but i wear men's clothes sometimes. they are comfy.
Ever been involved with the police? yes.
What's your favorite shampoo/conditioner and soap? garnier fruitis
Do you talk in your sleep? no but i have been known to cry.
Ocean or pool? ocean.
What's your favorite song at the moment? Carve Your Name by The Grates.
Have you ever had a cavity? no i never have.
Window seat or aisle seats? window.
Ever met anyone famous? not really. they weren't that known.
Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? yes i do. i have come such a long way.
Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? i do both.
What is your fav. sport to play? swimming and raquet ball.
Basketball or football? football
When was the last time you went to the bathroom? about two hours ago.
Do you drive a stick? as a matter of fact i do. it is a piece of shit car.
Cake or ice cream? icecream although right now i want some chocolate cake or some beautiful cupcakes.
Are you self-conscious? sometimes yes.
Are you in love with any of your close friends? no i am not. don't get me wrong, some of my friends are very attractive but i would never want to ruin our relationships.
Have you ever given money to a bum? no.
Have you been in love? not exactly.
Where do you wish you were? boston right now.
Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? nope.
Can you tango? yes. well i learned to but i kind of forgot. i could remember it if someone started dancing it with me again though.
Last gift you received? a frapaccino from my friend.
What occasion did you recieve your gift? it was senior-sluff day. haha
Last thing you spent lots of money on? pants.
Where do you live? in bloody utah.
Last wedding attended? an old family friend's daughter. she got married to an eastern world man and it was very beautifully arranged. so many flowers and fruit and colorful dresses.
Favorite restaurant? tuccis's, olive garden, gobora brothers, and pad thai.
What is your favorite kind of car? i like older cars. they have a history and personality.
Most hated food(s)? mushrooms, seafood, and meat.
Most loved food(s)? food that is blasting with flavors.
Can you sing? people say i can but i just goof around.
Person on your mind? this boy.
What's your least fav. chores? i hate all chores. haha
Favorite drink? italian sodas and frapaccinos, guava juice, mango juice, papaya juice and horchatas.
Currently have a Crush? no not right now.
How long was your longest drive in a car? a full 24 hours to wisconsin.

it isn't a lie, she is beautiful.

2009-04-30T18:35:00.003-06:00

i found these just a second ago.

mischa barton on the set of her new movie, "beautiful lie"

i love her outfits!

photos found on mischa's facebook page.

inspire me.

2009-04-30T15:50:00.002-06:00

so all of you know that i am soon moving into my own apartment (roommates not included.)
and i want it to look like me.
unfortunately i have had to endure eighteen years of living in me mum's idea of style:
pictures of jesus on every wall,
five bibles in every room,
pink accessories,
fake flowers because she can't keep real ones alive to save her life,
and ect.
so being out on my own will be kind of what the pilgrims felt when they were finally aloud to leave england to leave their own way.
so being in the pre-jitter excitement state, i found these rooms that i find qutie inspiring and beautiful.

'til it happens to you.

2009-04-29T15:48:00.002-06:00

this is a song by corinne bailey rae. it is exactly how i have been feeling lately. it is called "'til it happens to you"

I know what I said, was heat of the moment.

There's a little truth in between the words we spoke and,

it's a little late now to fix a heart that's broken.

Please don't ask me where I'm going.

Cause I don't know.

No I don't know, anymore.

It used to feel like heaven,

It used to feel like May.

I used to hear those violins playing heart strings like a symphony,

Now they've gone away.

Nobody wants to face the truth, but you won't believe what love can do.

Till it happens to you.

Went to, the old flat, guess I was trying to turn the clock back, but how comes

That nothing feels the same now when I'm with you?

We used to stay up all night, in the kitchen, when our love was new.

Ooooh love,

Am I a fool to believe in you?

'Cause I don't know, no I don't know anymore.

It used to feel like heaven, it used to feel like May.

I used to hear those violins playing heart strings like a symphony, now they're gone away.

Nobody wants to know the truth until their hearts broken.

Don't you dare tell them what you think to do,till they get over.

You can only learn these things from experience

When you get older.

I just wish that someone would've told me.

Mmm hmm mmmm.

i was contacted by my favorite cousin yesterday on facebook. i have not spoken to him in years and haven't seen him since i was younger. he is around thirty years old and lives in boston. he spends his days partying and living it up driving down the streets with the top down on his way to cafes. i miss him and want to visit. he told me that he has a spare bedroom with my name written all over it.

shawn, as soon as i get the money, i am coming.

i want to get out of this shit hole so terribly bad. it sucks ass. the girls here are nothing but drama and can't have a conversation worth while to save their lives and the boys are just that: boys. they are so immature and all act as if we are still in gradeschool.

i want freedom.

i want life.

aj 2

2009-04-27T17:29:00.004-06:00

here are the rest of my pictures. :) :)

photography by lisa crook

editing by lisa crook and michelle woolf

aj

2009-04-26T15:12:00.005-06:00

so here it is:

i got my pictures taken. hopefully you all will like them .:)

all photography by lisa crook

editing by lisa crook and michelle woolf

untitled.

2009-04-26T10:40:00.002-06:00

i got my pictures taken on friday.

hopefully i can get them up on here soon so you all can see.

my heart is hurting right now.

i wish it would stop.

but we all know that you can never tell your heart what to feel.

i can't stop this aching confusion inside that is taking over my being.

it's killing me.

it's color coded correctly.

2009-04-25T07:15:00.003-06:00

good morning ladies and gentler ones. it is hailing outside my window.
i woke up at six in the morning to get ready for a service project today.
in one of my college classes we have to get into a group and come up with an eight hour service project. it took my group and i forever to come up with a project. we finally settled (against my ideas) to go to an elementary school to weed, pick up trash, and plant flowers and trees.
now i am all for making the environment look beautiful but this was ridiculous.
i mean, my group got this assignment over a month ago. i was giving all these ideas but everyone always seemed to have a problem with them. i was the only one giving ideas. the only imput my group put in was saying that my ideas wouldn't work.
.
can i just let you in on a little known fact?
everyone has a color personality. i learned about it in my class (communications which is highly interesting).
the four colors are:
1. red
(motive: POWER)—these are the power wielders. power: the ability to move from point A to point B and get things done, is what motivates and drives these people. they bring great gifts of vision and leadership and generally are responsible, decisive, proactive and assertive.
2. blue 
(motive: INTIMACY)—these are the do-gooders. intimacy: connecting, creating quality relationships and having purpose, is what motivates and drives these people. they bring great gifts of quality and service and are generally loyal, sincere, and thoughtful. 
3. white
(motive: PEACE)—these are the peacekeepers. peace: the ability to stay calm and balanced even in the midst of conflict, is what motivates and drives these people. they bring great gifts of clarity and tolerance and are generally kind, adaptable, and good-listeners. 
4. yellow
(motive: FUN)—these are the fun lovers. fun: the joy of living life “in the moment”, is what motivates and drives these people. they bring great gifts of enthusiasm and optimism and are generally charismatic, spontaneous, and sociable. 
.
when you take the test to figure out what you are, you can sometimes be a combination of two or three. sometimes the results change with mood. when i take the test i am usually a red followed very closely with blue. i only had a couple points on white and yellow even though i do share a small piece of their qualities.
it is a very interesting topic and once you learn about it you start to notice it in the people around you. like your mum could be a white while your father seems more of a red. and speaking of couples, some color people don't work well with others. like a red and a yellow would clash terribly because a red wants to accomplish something while the yellow just wants to play.
this was researched for a long time by phsycologists and scientists. they have made books about the topic and have gained a much bigger understanding of people and how/why they think and act.
.
but anyways, sorry that was a long description. i brought it up because i am a red as i stated before. however, the others in my group are not. i have four other people in my group, two boys and two girls. one boy is a white and the other three are yellows. can you see the problem here? a red (me) wants to get things done, a white wants everyone to just get along so they go along with anything, and yellows never shut up. they talk and talk and talk. so when we have a lone red who wants to get this shitty project over with, the yellows want to socialize day and night and the white barely speaks because he doesn't want to start drama. it is quite frustrating. so now we are doing this service last minute because no one listens to me.
*rolls eyes dramatically*
i told everyone that it was going to rain and snow this weekend but
"nooo alexandra, we need to get this over with. we need to plant those flowers and trees..."
in the hail? you want to plant flowers and trees in this weather? are you all high?
... they called ten minutes before i was leaving to go help to say that the weather is too bad to do the project.
NO WAY!
seriously, if people just listened to me the first time i wouldn't have had to wake up early on a saturday for absolutely no damned reason.
.
so now i am absolutley exahusted because i was up half the night with T and woke up at the crack of dawn for nothing. but you all know this about me:
i can't sleep worth shit.
so now it is eight in the morning and i am writing this.
.
last night was pretty good though i suppose. i went with T to his best friend's house to watch one of my favorite movies: waking ned devine. it is an irish movie about a town full of mostly old people that are trying to get nearly seven million dollars from a dead man who won the lottery....
it is good, believe me. :)
.
well keep daydreaming and sorry i seemed so angry. you probably would be too though. haha
.
i got the picture from the moldy doily blog. her friend designed the clothes.

if i had a tumor, i'd call it marla.

2009-04-23T15:31:00.002-06:00

one of most beloved movies of all time:
fight club.
and my favorite character?
marla singer.
she is sultry and trampy and dirty.
very dirty.
she breathes smoke and has never fucked like this since grade school.
although the movie was made nearly ten years ago, i still love to party like it's 1999.
you should join me. :)

all photos found on google images.

untitled.

2009-04-22T18:32:00.005-06:00

i got this sweet email from a man about my profile. it made me smile. i hope he isn't the only one to see i am very mature for my age. haha

"Hi I read your "about me", you gonna do great in life. You sound like you're pretty mature..And the guy thing youll figure it out and have them wraped around your finger!!!!!!!!!!!! Been their done that.. hit me up sometime.. LOL Chas"

glance.

2009-04-22T17:37:00.001-06:00

i was told that i looked very pretty today by someone highly unexpected.

... it made my day.

diary of a sleepless mind.

2009-04-21T17:14:00.002-06:00

dear diary,

i don't know if it's tomorrow already,

or are we still in yesterday?

because i still can't sleep.

i have put in older posts that i have trouble sleeping.

well last night wasn't any better.

i ended up sluffing school today and going over to my friend T's house.

he works all night about an hour away from where we both live and he was exhausted too.

we ended up sleeping all day, well until two in the afternoon.

he was so nice about it too because i wasn't just tired.

i have been having family problems and he sat and listened to me vent for the longest time.

then he dragged his mattress out from his bedroom in front of the telly and we just both feel asleep.

i was able to get up in time to make it home before me mum wondered where i was.

she has no idea how much i skip class.

i mean, i don't really that much.

but today was the first time i sluffed the whole day.

i missed both my art classes.

but i could not take going.

i would've have broke.

i felt like T was the only person i could go to and i was right.

he made me feel so much better.

haha i can still smell his cologne on my shirt. :)

isn't it nice to know that someone really cares about you sometimes?

it doesn't happen often.

to me at least.

but when it does, i feel so alive and loved.

i just wish he didn't have to go back to work that workaholic.

the picture and title was also from chipli.

http://chipil.deviantart.com/art/Diary-of-a-sleepless-mind-100341230

chipil the thrill.

2009-04-21T16:59:00.002-06:00

i came across this hauntingly wonderful photographer today.
she is the perfect example of enigma and lustly charm.
i love this kind of photography because of its dark and lovely aspects.
her name is jackeline moller.
enjoy. :)

here is the photographer herself.

love, love, love the hair. it is my color! :)

you really need to check out her spot on deviant art because these have the most beautiful titles.

i love her glasses.

these next two are my favorites. the titles are:

"i died here yesterday."

i totally own this shirt. :)

http://chipil.deviantart.com/

keep daydreaming!

untitled.

2009-04-19T16:43:00.003-06:00

i am happy at the moment. :)

i took this pic of me months ago. before i cut my hair. i am wearing my paramore T. you can even see a really old piece of my artwork in the background from many years ago. :)

i hope everyone's day is going beautifully!

love always,

here comes the sun.

2009-04-19T15:14:00.003-06:00

you know that big, huge, ball of fire that heats the air and makes life warmer? yeah well, it is finally poking out from behind the clouds to shine forth some spring.

i went to salt lake city yesterday and stopped by urban outfitters. i was there for about two hours. seriously, i don't think i have ever found anything there that i didn't like.

i found an apartment! i am probably going to move in a couple of months after i graduate. where i am moving is not exactly where i want to live for the rest of my life but it has some good points.

1. i get it all to myself.

2. it has a kitchen, a bathroom, a bedroom, and a loft.

3. it has heating and air conditioning.

4. i get to decorate it how i want.

5. i get it really cheap because the land lady is my older sister's aunt-in-law.

6. it is pretty much brand new.

it is a wonderful place but i would really like to move to cali or seattle. my plan is to live in this new apartment for about a year so i can save up money and then move to where i really want to live.

i gotta go shopping for some things to make this place my own!

picture came from the drifter and the gypsy blog i believe. i found it a couple weeks ago so i can't exactly remember! i am sorry!

keep day dreaming.

thou shalt not judge.... right?

2009-04-16T19:40:00.003-06:00

i heard this weekend is going to finally be sunny and warmer! i am so siked. hopefully for once the weather man will be correct.

i am headed down to salt lake city on saturday to go to some art galleries perhaps and the gateway, which is a big outdoor mall. it is the only place in utah (that i know of) that has an urban outfitters. i am hoping that i can find some beautiful things to buy. i am dying to get a new headpiece. i love the outfitter's feather headbands. they are so pretty. i also really like their rings and necklaces. and who could forget their shirts, shoes, and pants? no one. haha i also get quite the kick out of the quirky books they sell.

you want to know something i have been pondering about?

i have been thinking a lot about the whole gay-marriage thing that is going on around the country. so many people are for it but then so many people are against it, like all issues there has to be two sides.

me mum is very against the whole idea even though she works with a homosexual man who has a very steady boyfriend. he is a very nice guy. i once did an art commision for him.

and i have so many homosexual friends at school both male and female. i love each one of them. to tell you the truth, i have nothing against homosexuality. nothing what-so-ever. my own aunt is a lesbian and has had the same girlfriend for many, many years. i love them both. they are two of the nicest people in my whole family. my aunt's girlfriend has been accepted by my family as one of us, even though she is not aloud to marry my aunt where they live (wisconsin).

i have a friend that i love so much who is gay and he is one of my most nice friends.

what i am trying to say is, why is america judging these people and not letting them do what they want just because they don't think the way the government does? or the others of america?

we are the so-called "free" country but yet people that are different from the "popular" group are shut down and ridiculed. it just isn't right.

i am sorry if i offended anyone with this. i am really just trying to see the other side of this issue that is consuming our country. i live in a place where "different" is just not on the winning side. you gotta fit in or you are looked down upon.

i just believe that people should be able to make their own decisions. i don't think it is up to the others on this continent to tell us how we should live.

the picture came from:

http://goldenhair.deviantart.com/art/two-again-97980868