Friday, May 29, 2009

you said that you would die for me, you must live for me too.

i am

today was pretty much my last real day of school.
next week is just a bunch of random shit that i don't need to attend to.
i am going to get a job in the next week or so hopefully and then start my quick summer class that should only take a week or two to finish.
i have to apologize in advance for this but i really gotta vent on the things that have been causing me to feel depressed and anxious.
here are some things that have been stressing me in no particular order:
1. finding an apartment seeing as my dad and me won't speak to each other and so he refuses to fix the shower in the apartment i planned on moving into in the first place.
2. my anxiety has gone up tremendously in the past week.
3. my brother-in-law is a selfish dick and doesn't even know the meaning of compassion.
4. getting a job.
5. my stubborn father who thinks he can see the world through a mirror.
6. graduating.
7. picking the right college.
8. my car. i need a new one.
9. i feel like i am not being thought of by my friends or family.
10. i am never listened to by friends and family. i am one of the greatest listeners i know and all my friends and family come to me for advice. but the second i show signs of depression or maybe i am just having a bad day, no one is willing to listen. no one cares.
11. i don't feel loved. i don't. people never go out of their way for me just to make me feel like i am worth... anything. i feel completely worthless.
12. i have gained back some of my depression and i can't make it better when no one is willing to even notice that i am down.
13. i am not respected by the people around me. they think they can just use me when i am needed, when no one will listen to them, they know i will. and then they leave me flat on my face.
14. i feel... i feel as though i am looked down upon. i do not feel like i have made a difference in anybody's life. i do not feel... like i am so different than the people around me so they believe that is wrong. it is wrong to think differently than them. it is wrong to dream.
15. i am incredibly judged on the way i act. who isn't though right? but it has gotten to a point with me that i feel so wrong that i am starting to believe maybe i am just a bad person. and the sad thing is: i have never done anything wrong. so why do i feel now that i have?
16. i don't have any money right now.
17. i am sick of being a convinience for people. i have never been someone's priority. i have never been thought of first.
18. i can never sleep.
19. and when i do sleep i have terrible nightmares.
20. nobody tries for me. i mean, if i seem shy or i seem different or stubborn, people just give up. men give up. why waste their time on something they have to work for, even if it is what they really wanted in the end?
21. people lie straight to my face and they think i can't tell. i can see straight through people. i am not fucking stupid. don't mess with me.
22. i just wish one, just one person would accept me for everything i am, and not who i can never be.
23. stop using me and then give me nothing in return, not even a thankful hug. they get what they need from me and then leave me to pick up their broken pieces along with my heart.
there are only so many ways you can break someone's heart.
and there are only so many pieces you can break off of one before it becomes unfixable.
i am getting to that point where i don't know if there is even someone out there brave enough to stick around to see if they can break down these walls i have built around myself to see if they can save me.
to see if i am saveable.
because i am worth it...
aren't i?

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