Friday, May 29, 2009

that face who's tearing holes in me again.

i know this song is terribly old and probably everyone has heard it. but it really fits my feelings right now.
i am not a big fan of all american rejects either, but again the lyrics just talk about my life pretty much.
this is for my father.
it makes me cry everytime.

you said that you would die for me, you must live for me too.

i am

today was pretty much my last real day of school.
next week is just a bunch of random shit that i don't need to attend to.
i am going to get a job in the next week or so hopefully and then start my quick summer class that should only take a week or two to finish.
i have to apologize in advance for this but i really gotta vent on the things that have been causing me to feel depressed and anxious.
here are some things that have been stressing me in no particular order:
1. finding an apartment seeing as my dad and me won't speak to each other and so he refuses to fix the shower in the apartment i planned on moving into in the first place.
2. my anxiety has gone up tremendously in the past week.
3. my brother-in-law is a selfish dick and doesn't even know the meaning of compassion.
4. getting a job.
5. my stubborn father who thinks he can see the world through a mirror.
6. graduating.
7. picking the right college.
8. my car. i need a new one.
9. i feel like i am not being thought of by my friends or family.
10. i am never listened to by friends and family. i am one of the greatest listeners i know and all my friends and family come to me for advice. but the second i show signs of depression or maybe i am just having a bad day, no one is willing to listen. no one cares.
11. i don't feel loved. i don't. people never go out of their way for me just to make me feel like i am worth... anything. i feel completely worthless.
12. i have gained back some of my depression and i can't make it better when no one is willing to even notice that i am down.
13. i am not respected by the people around me. they think they can just use me when i am needed, when no one will listen to them, they know i will. and then they leave me flat on my face.
14. i feel... i feel as though i am looked down upon. i do not feel like i have made a difference in anybody's life. i do not feel... like i am so different than the people around me so they believe that is wrong. it is wrong to think differently than them. it is wrong to dream.
15. i am incredibly judged on the way i act. who isn't though right? but it has gotten to a point with me that i feel so wrong that i am starting to believe maybe i am just a bad person. and the sad thing is: i have never done anything wrong. so why do i feel now that i have?
16. i don't have any money right now.
17. i am sick of being a convinience for people. i have never been someone's priority. i have never been thought of first.
18. i can never sleep.
19. and when i do sleep i have terrible nightmares.
20. nobody tries for me. i mean, if i seem shy or i seem different or stubborn, people just give up. men give up. why waste their time on something they have to work for, even if it is what they really wanted in the end?
21. people lie straight to my face and they think i can't tell. i can see straight through people. i am not fucking stupid. don't mess with me.
22. i just wish one, just one person would accept me for everything i am, and not who i can never be.
23. stop using me and then give me nothing in return, not even a thankful hug. they get what they need from me and then leave me to pick up their broken pieces along with my heart.
there are only so many ways you can break someone's heart.
and there are only so many pieces you can break off of one before it becomes unfixable.
i am getting to that point where i don't know if there is even someone out there brave enough to stick around to see if they can break down these walls i have built around myself to see if they can save me.
to see if i am saveable.
because i am worth it...
aren't i?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

party like it's 1988.

so my car, as i stated before, is pretty much done for. it is so sad because as much as a piece of shit that it was, it was still my car and i loved it. it was so me and matched my personality. you know, broken, scratched, and dented but still fun and lovable. haha my friends loved my car more than i did even. they all pretty much have cars but when it came to going somewhere together everyone picked mine to carpool in. my car had like no shocks or whatever you call them (i know nothing about cars) so even the slightest bump made it feel like a rollercoaster. it was so fun. good times, good times. but it was an '88 so the end of it was not surprising. but that jeta stayed alive for the longest time so i applaud it.
me at a duck park near where i live.
my jeta. poor thing, just looking at it makes you feel bad. haha
me in my ghetto car and the mountains in the background near where i live as well.
my amy brown seat covers. :)

waking to the sound of a kitty's meow.

Watching... nothing at the moment. nothing comes on the telly this early in the morning that interests me. i am looking at different blogs though if that will count.
Listening... to the birds chirping outside, saying, "good morning!" and the sprinklers watering lawns across the town.
Drinking... some healthy, pulp-filled orange juice for breakfast. i really should be eating more when i wake up but i am never really in the mood for anything in the mornings.
Wanting... a white-chocolate- raspberry- mint frapaccino. the day off of school would be nice. i could then work on some of my art and read some books that i got fromthe library yesterday. some aussie music from the dew process would be nice as well.
Trying.... to make it through this last week of my highschool life. then i got to try and get myself motivated to quicky start and finish summer school so i can move into my new apartment.
this lovely little "update on your life" thing was suggested on the blog, here comes the sun.
i had also seen it on the blog, daydream lily.
i hope your day will be great.
my car pretty much died on me yesterday so i have to drive me mum's vehicle.
i don't see anymore hope for my little ghetto thing even though i loved it dearly.
i think i might make an official memorial post on here soon.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

they said my style was nuts!

i want to go to britain now.

she wanted nothing in return.

here are a few of the newest pieces by talented and provocative artist, kime buzzelli.
i adore her work.



i hope you all can read this.
the writing is a little small.
but i really need to remember this.
and i truely believe that every one should too.

viewer descretion advised.

before you read this i just want to warn you that it isn't for immature people to read. i will be talking about pornography and things related but for an appropriate usage. i am not speaking of it because i enjoy it. i have been having some serious thoughts and questions about it.
i have been reading a blog lately only because i have found it to be very interesting what this girl has to say and for the unsurprising offended but sometimes supportive comments. i am not sure i should say the name of the blog only because i feel a little bit bad for the girl.
she has gotten a lot of shit thrown at her for her blog posts. she is not on a blogger account but is on a xanga one.
i do however suppose that i should not feel sorry for her because it is her own fault that she puts what she does up for the world to see.
on her blog, this young woman has been posting pornographic pictures that can sometimes be extremely graphic for the immature eyes.
at times there are women and men receiving blow jobs, women being touched in private places, men and women having extreme sex, and homosexuals kissing and feeling each other. there have even been some phrases put up indicating sex and other oral activites. now i have enjoyed some of the photography at times. not the very extreme ones, but there are often romantic ones that are estectically pleasing to me. i have never seen anything wrong with sex, or anything to do with it. i believe it to be a very beautiful thing.
but some of the topics lately have really begun to annoy me.
i see nothing wrong in having your own opinion on things, but this girl seems to love the offended comments and feeds on them to make people more angered. some completely agree with her. but i have noticed that a lot of the people commenting believe that she is sinning with what she does. i think i am going to show you some of the things she has said that have upset people:
1. she had a picture that advised: "get excited and masturbate, it's free!"
2. she did a post called: "the art of mind fucking"
and a part of it said, "a woman who is really into being mind fucked and evensplanning of suffering her career at this very momentbecause of her addiction for being mind fucked."
3. "i also promote, what some consider to be a sin, masturbation because it helps to relieve stress, prevent pregancy and the spreading of disease, and it also helps to control sexual urges that humans have been given by God. my reason for masturbating is that i have been unable to give myself sexually to a member of the opposite sex. ever since i was 15, i have had strong sexual urges and i really cannot substain from controlling them which is practically inhumane act on their behalf. in my opinion, i do not believe that masturbation is a sin and therefore, i will continue to masturbate even if people tell me it is a sin. i should not have to be ashamed of my sin if i do not think that it is a sin at all. i really do believe that this is all pretty understandable."
4. but none of that realy bugged me until this one:
"everyone once in a while i like to look at pornography on the internet as i am sure alot of people do. i am an adult now but even before i ended up looking at it since those who watch it know that is can be so alluring. anyways i thought that i would post my top favorite pornography sites. the following pornography sites are usually good for viewing pornography because of the high quality and time limits of the videos. feel free to check them out."
and then the girl gives out all of her favorite porn sites with links.
ladies and gentlemen, this girl is eighteen years old and still in highschool.
she is promoting pornography to everyone that comes across her blog.
now i was perfectly fine with her opinion on masturbation and porn-addiction.
it is completely her choice and i respected that entirely.
i actually found her opinions interesting even if i did not entirely agree with them.
but i do not agree with her choice to try and get others to think it is okay.
i do not agree with her choice to allow people easy access to pornographic sites.
she gave a list of eight different sites and then asked people to comment to tell her their favorite porn sites.
so far there are eighty-two replies to this with half of the people telling about their most watched porn videos.
she is also being told "thank you" for showing a link to these sites.
am i wrong to be disturbed by this?
i am not a very judgemental person and i believe that people have the right to watch and do what they want and i repsect them for their opinions.
but this girl is stil lin highschool and is completely promoting something that is so graphic and sexual.
i mean, i am eighteen myself and don't mind looking at nude photos. but i think that is because i do not look at it for sexual urges to be released or for sexual pleasure. i see nudity as an art and something that should be used in a beautiful way. i have even posted nude pictures myself. but i never did or do it because i am sexually wanting satisfaction or something. i post them because i realize the art in it. i am more mature than what this girl is i believe. and i am not trying to sound cocky when i say that.
what do you all think?
all pictures found in nylon magazines.

Monday, May 25, 2009

zopes anyone?

today i went to one of my closest friends' house for dinner. she is mexican so her mum made me homemade mexican food. she does this quite often for me since she knows i love it so much. she made what is called zopes, which is pronounced with an "s" and not a "z" sound. it is so wonderful. i ate more than her whole family combined.
perlita thought it would be funny to capture a moment of me eating.

my second plate nearly all eaten up.

the mastermind behind the masterpiece herself: perlita's mum.
i would kill for this salsa.

the little mum at work.
i am going over on friday for more. haha

it's hard to watch things change when all you want for them is to stay the same.

good morning.
well, it is actually 12:40 in the afternoon.
i just woke up.
i told you i was tired.
my sister is going out with friends today and me mum is staying home to decorate her bedroom pink and black.
she wants me to do some art to put in some frames for the room.
today, i think i might try to get together with a friend or something.
happy memorial day.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

as far as daisies go.

the beautiful daisy lowe photographed by mariano vivanco.
um yeah she is to die for gorgeous.



i think i may try to go to sleep again. it is almost midnight.