Saturday, June 20, 2009

it is okay to be a little altruistic sometimes.

just got back from chelsey's about an hour and a half ago.
the guys came over to her house last night too.
we watched the 1979 version of the changling and ate pizza and popcorn.
it was 1 in the morning and we tried playing football outside but seeing as it was near impossible to see because it so dark (you couldn't even see the stars behind the clouds) we had to stop playing.
i threw the ball at perlita at one point and she couldn't see where in the air it was so it slammed into her face and bent her glasses.
i felt so bad but on the other hand we all thought it was hilarious.
but that was when we quit throwing it around.
we played a bunch of little kid's night games until around three and then the boys left.
us girls stayed up the rest of the night and into the morning until we finally fell asleep at 7 in the morning.
well, perlita ended up passing out by like 3:30-4 but me and chelsey were having a riot all night.
we snuck out at 5 to scare our friend merissa at her house early in the morning.
we tapped on her window like crazy.
it gave her quite a scare.
although me and chelsey could not stop laughing so she knew it was us.
i haven't laughed so hard in my life.
and i really needed that.
i just needed to forget about the world and its problems for one night and just enjoy friends and the simple things that really mattered.
i am so exhausted though.
but you can't blame me right?
tonight i am going to go pick chelsey up and we are headed to jake's for a bonfire.
it is raining so fucking hard though so i hope it lets up.
and guess what??????????????
i am sorry but i have to tell you, i am so excited.
before highschool ended, my art teacher had informed me that i qualified for the majoring medal in art for the whole school.
i put in an application for it but later found out from the principal that i would probably not be able to recieve it since i was not graduating with the rest of my class.
i was really depressed of course when i heard this.
but today, in the mail, in a big yellow envelope, was my medal and a certificate.
they allowed me to be given the art major medal even though i am not graduating til july.
i nearly started to cry.
you don't know how much work and stuff you have to do to qualify for this honor.
i feel so happy about it.
sorry, i just had to tell you all that. :)

Friday, June 19, 2009


just trying to figure life out.
going to hang with chelsey and the gang since she is visting.
going to get a frapaccino.
.... just trying to figure life out.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

situations seem to get affectuous charm through distant flashes of light.

so as i said before in the previous post, i went and hung out with derick and that other guy.
i was going to drive myself seeing as i rather do things myself but derick told me that other guy wanted to pick me up in his new car.
he got a brand new mazda 3 or whatever you call it and he wanted to drive it.
so i expressed an "okay" and within a couple of minutes the guy was in my driveway.
it wasn't as awkward as i had thought it would be.
but probably because i talked and talked all the way to derick's house and wouldn't let the guy talk.
i really didn't want him to.
how awful do i seem?
when we got to derick's, everything was just fine.
we watched the new movie "fired up".
it had some funny moments but was, in the end, not my kind of movie.
it was a too small-minded feature.
but derick loved it and wanted to watch it again so the other guy and i agreed.
it really was quite fun.
when it first started, derick i were trying to decide where to sit.
derick has two couches and the other guy had sat on the very end of one of them.
i did not want to sit on the complete other couch because then it would have seemed like i was separating myself from the two guys.
so i sat on the opposite end of the same couch that the other guy had.
i really believed that derick would take up the whole other couch to himself, but he didn't.
he came and sat right between the other guy and me.
i let out a sigh of relief.
i really did not want the other guy even tempted to scoot closer.
after the movie, derick got out his new touch screen/camera phone.
i asked to take some pictures but he teasingly replyed, "no way."
eventually i got it through a little bit of innocent wrestling.
he kept trying to get it back but to no avail.
i figured out how to work the camera and then started taking and looking at his pictures.
it was strange because derick made a point of him not wanting me to see the last picture.
"you can see the rest just not the last one."
i said, "it's probably of you and your girlfriend."
i laughed and scrolled down to the last picture.
sure enough, it was him and my best friend kissing.
i laughed because he seemed so embarrassed and weirdly enough, ashamed.
i said, "what's wrong, it's just kissing. you shouldn't be ashamed of kissing unless it is with the wrong person...."
he looked at me and replyed, "yeah... i know..."
i laughed and gave him back his phone.
he always seems to have a problem showing affection and love to my best friend in front of me.
i never see them kissing or even holding each other.
and he freaks out when i see a picture of them kissing.
they aren't even together anymore.
they broke it off when she moved away.
i do not know exactly how to look at all of this.
but i don't feel like i should look too much into it.
i think i should just let things fall where they need to and not try to make things happen that shouldn't.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

breathing in the same sequence is hard enough when you are drowning.

i called my friend derick today.
we had a very lovely conversation.
we decided to get together today in about an hour.
unfortunately, another guy might come.
don't get me wrong, i do not mind anyone being there.
but this guy that might show up likes me more than i would prefer.
he has really started to take an interest in me.
i have known him for years and have always enjoyed his friendship.
but no more than that.
my friend perla told me to give him a chance.
but i already have enough trouble trusting men and i have never felt completely comfortable with him.
how can i be with someone or even give them a chance when i do not feel normal in his presence?
then again, perlita is a people pleaser and would give anyone a chance if she thought they were attractive in the slightest way.
i just do not know exactly how to act around him.
i do not wish to lead him on but i do not want to be rude in any way either.
i really like him as a friend.
i just am not a big fan of being alone with him or even thinking about being with him.
do i come off as mean thinking this way?
i, i really don't mean to sound like a jerk...
i am just the kind of girl that doesn't give her love to just anyone.
i am picky.
to tell you the truth though, i could see myself with derick.
i have never really thought about it before but now that i do, i really could see myself with him.
he is just so chill and knows how to just sit and listen.
he is never over the top and is mature.
problem with him though, is that he is one of my best friends' ex boyfriend.
um, yeah.
you can see the issue there.
although, i seriously don't know any guy that has not at least been on one date with her.
i don't know.
i have never been the type of girl to steal a guy or purposely make someone feel bad.
i suppose we will see what happens though.
keep daydreaming. :)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


and here we go again with all the things i said and did.

today is me mum's birthday.
she is 47 and i have no idea what i am going to do for her.
i am broke so i can't afford "the finer things in life" and i can not cook worth shit.
i was thinking about maybe drawing her a picture but i am not exactly sure what to draw for her.
i will think about it.
i got all day afterall.
my friend curtis has been having some issues lately.
he asked to come over last night to talk about it.
it's funny but i am the one out of all my friends that everyone comes to with their problems.
they say i listen really well and give great advice.
as great a compliment as that is, i still get so exhausted sometimes because i am the only one that really listens.
my friends will go on and on for hours with their lives and ask me for loads of advice.
i am so willing to help out, but when i need to talk, they are all of the sudden busy with something else.
they are great friends, but horrible listeners.
my family is the same way.
i seriously feel as if i have no one of my own to turn to when i need help.
anyways, i let him come over.
he said he would only stay for a couple of minutes to show me his new motorcycle.
he ended up staying five hours.
no joke, five hours talking about his problems.
i was so happy i could help; he told me that he can't talk about his problems with anyone else.
and that i was the only one that gave advice that makes any sense.
that meant so much to me to hear.
no one ever tells me that they appreciate my help really.
i mean, they will say thank you but they never really explain to me how much i have helped.
so when curtis expressed that to me i felt so, well, loved.
i felt a little bit of worth inside of me.
even though i was completely and utterly exhausted from helping him for five hours, i still enjoyed his company.
i hope that my advice really helped.
keep daydreaming to escape this life.

Monday, June 15, 2009

it's a small world.

this is actually quite a hilarious situation.
a fellow blogger and sweet gal, jantine and i both discovered that our mums have the same birthday tomorrow.
not only that, but mums are turning 47.
visit her blog, it is so adorable.

i swear i didn't get in a fight, it is just the fashion.

i love this,
pictures found on

with red gloves, it has to be on.

okay, this is the weirdest editorial i think i have ever seen.
not because of what they are doing or anything, but because of who is in it:
bruce willis and his new wife emma.
i always thought bruce could not act, but i always thought him as a charming man.
but i never in a million years thought i wuold see him doing something like this.
it is just so strange.
the guy has kids.
i don't think i would ever want my kids seeing my new step mother half naked, even if her body is rockin.
and i never pictured a honeymoon like this. haha
but, i have to admit, i am in love with these pictures.
it was for a W magazine photoshoot called "honeymoon hotel."

this one is my favorite.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

think of me.

you know what i miss most about being a child?
i miss childhood sweethearts.
did you ever have one of those?
i had one and i miss him terribly.
it is funny thinking about it now.
he hasn't even crossed my mind in the last four or five years.
and out of all the guys i have ever known, i miss and loved him the most.
he was so sweet and such a gentleman for someone so young. haha
i really believe that if things had been able to work out, that we would be together today.
it sounds so silly and naive, i know, but it was such an innocent situation.
i never even got to say goodbye to him.
me mum refrained me from ever speaking to him again.
she hated his mother because his mother was friends with my dad.
me mum did not want me to have anything to do with my father's friends.
so because of me mum's habit of holding grudges, i was kept away from the boy along with his family in which the friendship was very strong.
the past couple of days i have been wondering how he is.
sometimes i wonder if he ever thought about me too.
picture by me.