and with my wide eyes, i see worlds that don't belong.

i can not sleep again.

i mean, it is still early.

it is about 10:00 pm in utah.

still, i am incredibly exhausted.

i had my first full-blown panic attack in six months.

it was my dad that made me snap.

i was so scared.

i found myself running and locking myself in the bathroom for the longest time.

my makeup was smeared all over the tub sides because i was crying and screaming and lashing around so much.

i know not a lot of people understand the seriousness of anxiety attacks, and few have really experienced one themselves.

but you all have to understand that when you have one, you literally feel like you are dying.

you can not see and your lips tremble and your eyes twitch.

you go into a mode where your whole body is rigid and it strains all your muscles so when the attack is over, you can barely move because you are so weak.

when i am through with mine whenever i have them, i can barely walk and i studder in my speech for two days.

i thought i was so much better.

and i still am, i just believed that i would never have to go through another outburst like that again.

i do not understand why my father makes the decisions he does.

i will never understand him.

he loves his girlfriend and her family more than his own daughters.

he told me and my sisters yesterday that he wishes we were more like his girlfriend's kids.

i hate him.

and i don't hate anybody.

he isn't my father.

not anymore.