Tuesday, June 2, 2009

i'm so sick, infected with, where i live.

i apologize for posting such a weird picture of myself.
i look positively sick or something, dead even.
but that is exactly how i feel.
.
can i ask you guys something?
okay, my parents are divorced and have been most of my life.
so think of this situation:
you find out that your dad is sleeping around with this woman.
she lives in the apartment above him.
she has three kids.
nearly every night, she leaves her kids to sleep with your father.
you know it is going on and you confront him about it.
he says that they are just friends.
you don't believe that fuck at all but try to let it go anyways.
then you go over to his house yesterday with your mum to pick up my little sister's child support that he owes.
you find her kids hanging around (your dad and "girlfriend" no where around) and they take you inside your dad's apartment to get the money.
(my dad let's his girlfriend and her kids come in and out of his aparment whenever they want. i on the other hand, have to call. his own daughter has to call)
then her kids start talking about how their mum "stayed the night down there" last night.
they see nothing wrong with it.
you go into his apartment and there are clothes and blankets all over the living room.
your dad ALWAYS keeps his house clean no matter what.
he is a clean freak.
you know exactly what had happened last night.
you feel like you are going to throw up.
you know he has the right to do what he wants, but your own father has been lying to you.
lying straight to your face.
i mean, you should be used to it because he has been doing it your whole life but this was the last straw.
you run out of his apartment and start to bawl your eyes out.
you never cry.
never.
you always hold it in.
but for some reason you can't this time and you just let it flow out.
your mum tells you that when she confronted him about it, he said that he wishes you were more like his girlfriend's family.
"they accept me the way i am" he says.
.
what do you do?
never talk to him again?
or do you forgive him.... AGAIN?
.
he has been lying to me like this my whole life... me mum thinks that i have had enough but doesn't want me to lose contact with him.
"he is your father afterall" she tells me.
but i never want to speak with him again.
it isn't like i am good enough for my own fucking father anyways.
.
i apologize again for posting something so personal. i really have a hard time talking about my personal life so i thought this way, since none of you know me really, i cuold get an outside opinion. i really need this. thank you.
.
what would you do????
.
picture: me

3 comments:

Amorous Rocker said...

That all sounds very hurtful. Maybe you just need time away from him, not physically but emotionally. Disconnect from him and don't have contact with him to sort out your feelings.

It's tough finding out a parent has been lying to your face. Even more so over ridiculous things. Makes you feel like you're not good enough to get the truth.

Sounds like a very raw deal. If you ever want a "stranger" to talk to with no bias, email me and I'll listen and offer anything I can.

alexandra jane said...

thank you. that means a lot. :)

Kate Tran said...

I don't think I would be able to endure it the way you did if I ever was in such a situation. Maybe you should wait for a while till you actually want to talk to him again. Time will decide.